On Being Single in Ministry

Some time back, Hannah tweeted looking for writers who would be willing to share a few thoughts on being single in ministry. It was something I had been keen to write about, but never quite knew what approach to take, especially when it's a topic where I can easily come across as sassy or having a chip on my shoulder. So I told Hannah I would give it some thought and see what I come up with. Here goes...

It started about three or four years ago. "You know, the Bible does say that it's not good for man to be alone," they would say, when I try to explain that I have no time for romantic relationships. If we're about to count on the historical accuracy of the Creation story, then yes, Adam would have been the first and only man on earth at the time; of course he was alone (and if the Creation story isn't historically accurate, then, well, we don't even need to have this discussion). So God being a God of relationships created Eve; but we would be treading on dangerous territory if we were to assume that God was only concerned about eros in the Creation story.

So, allow me to respond with this: The girls that I laughed with eleven years ago when we were giggly, hormonal teenage girls, I still laugh with today. So thanks for worrying, but I'm not alone.

For most of my seminary career, I had a good mix of married, dating and single friends, and no one felt out of place. Even now, a year after I graduated, we still keep up with each other knowing the ministry life isn't easy, and that we all need the support we can get. Sometimes we wrestle with each other over things that come up in our individual ministry journey or some theological thought we came across. Other times it's just the occasional "meow" or hassling on Facebook. So thanks again for worrying, but no, I'm not alone.

I had/have incredible mentors who walked/are walking me through the seasons of doubt, darkness, and wrestling with faith, religion and all attached to them. They still check in from time to time to make sure I'm sane and spiritually healthy. So again, thanks, but... You get the point (hopefully).

Since I mostly live out of a two-suitcase mindset to be ready for the next stop in this globe-trotting adventure, the only thing I get to collect is people. So really, thanks, but... I'm pretty sure I'll never be alone. (And on my cheekier days, I add Éowyn's famous line, "I am no man.")

Remember all those Christian dating books we try to get our youth/teenagers to read? If you've never actually read any of those but are shoving them down someone else's throat, shame on you. Go pick one up and read it now. I don't entirely buy into many of these books, but anyone who has read a good one will tell you the biggest rule about "Christian dating" according to those books is that you have to accept that you are a whole being and embrace that. Looking for a relationship to make you feel whole isn't healthy. I may be way past my teenage years, but try telling me that isn't still true now and I'll ask you why you're asking youth/teenagers to read those books.

Besides, being single comes with a lot of freedom. I can pour myself into my job without worrying about someone else's schedule. Working with young families often mean working with the perks and quirks of last-minute-ness. Things get planned or cancelled at the last minute and having the freedom to come and go without interrupting someone else's schedule has been wonderful. And of course, there's the freedom of up-and-going as I please. Spend three months in Germany? Sure! Move to New Zealand? Oh, why not? Go to Timbuktu? Where do I sign up?

Easy-peasy.

And I've enjoyed watching myself be pushed out of my comfort zone simply because there isn't a someone else to depend on. Stuff like dealing with confrontation, or unplugging the toilet, or learning appropriate social boundaries and cultural etiquettes, or fighting with ants. And almost every cross-cultural worker has an embarrassing moment to share if they cut loose and are able to laugh at themselves rather than hide in a hole in fear of another boo-boo.I get to own all my embarrassing moments stories!

Being by myself (not alone--there's a difference) also forces me to go out and meet people. Which works really well with relationships being the most important part of my approach to ministry.

Then there are the perks of being the single, female "pastor" that everyone looks out for from time to time because she's "all alone in the world." They feed me, clothe me with hand-me-downs and nag at me when I fall sick while I try not to take advantage of them.

Of course, there are down-sides to being single in ministry, besides the occasional longing for an accomplice in these mad adventures.

A lot of times, folks don't take my being a pastor very seriously. It comes with the whole woman in ministry conversation that will have to be for another time. And she's not even married, so how could she possibly be a real pastor? The usual assumption is that because I'm young, single and act like I don't have a care in the world, I'm also probably untrained (I've managed to keep the fact that I have a Master's degree from a seminary a secret) and simply passionate about Jesus and kids. Young, my florist friend, has asked me about three times now how many more years I have left in school. And when I remind her again that I'm a pastor, and that I'm done studying, she asks again, why don't you do more studying? Well, I still do, just not formally--how else can I prepare to teach kids each week?

Then there are the annoying matchmakers. The rebel streak in me wants to simply not give any of the "matches" a chance, which can be inconvenient sometimes when he turns out to be a fairly attractive young man.

And then there are the ones who assume that because I don't have a family to go home to, I can always be counted on to run the extra errand. This isn't something I mind much, especially since most folks here don't do that to me, and the ones that do only ask because they know I would enjoy the errand. But friends have been taken advantage of based simply on the assumption that they don't have a social life outside of the church or their job. I mean, if he/she had any kind of decent social life, he/she would have found a nice young man/woman to marry by now.

Before you make the assumption that I've written off getting married, I haven't. I have high regard for the institution of marriage, and great admiration for the ones who fight to make it work. As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:8-11, and 32a -

But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife . . . But I want you to be free from concern.

We can talk about what the passage really means if you want, but I'll ask that we kindly do this face-to-face, and if you will read the exegesis paper on that passage that I wrote for my Master's level New Testament class before we chat.