Life at the Moment...

As promised, an update on the New Zealand process.

Here's the gist of what it comes down to. After the interview process was over, it was time to get to work to actually make this thing happen. Sure, the church said yes. Sure, I said yes. But there are still tricky things involved; the two biggest of which were finances, and visa.

With regards to the visa situation, we had talked about me applying for what is known as the Holiday Work visa.  But what we didn't realise was that this visa was unique to the immigration systems of different countries, which means that what is known as the Holiday Work visa for holders of a US passport is known as a Work Exchange visa for holders of a Singaporean passport. And one of the requirements for a Work Exchange visa is that you have to either be a current student in a university or polytechnic, or you have to have graduated from a university in Singapore. At least, that's what I understood about it.

Which... I don't fit into either of those. Which... Is a problem.

So we're trying to figure out if there's a way to get around this visa or simply try to apply for a different one. The other tricky part about this is that before I can proceed with anything else, I need to get my passport renewed. Which... If I were in Singapore, this would take a maximum of two weeks. I don't mean to brag about Singapore, but that's just how efficient they are. BUT because I'm here in the US, I have to drive to Chicago, where the closest Singapore embassy is to pick it up. Not that it's incredibly difficult, but it just takes a lot more time.

The financial piece, on the other hand, gets slightly trickier. Without going into too much details, we've been running into dead ends with the fundraising piece. The church in Auckland is young and small, and my personal belief is that these resources should be channeled to ministry rather than to supporting me. If a day should come where there is enough for them to support extra staff, and I'm still serving with them, then fine and good.

So we're trying to come up with more creative ways to fundraise. It just gets a little more stressful simply because of the fact that even as we speak right now, financial stress of the current day-to-day life is a burden. There are still days when I think, "God, you do realise that if I hadn't quit my job and gone to Germany when I did, life would be a lot easier now, you know? And I know Canaan is far better than Egypt, but right now in the wilderness, Egypt looks so much better." Especially after a week like this one that just passed, when one thing after another just smacked me hard in the face. And for as "high" as I've been, the rate of how quickly I crashed after some discouraging news this week is alarming. Mostly because it reminded me again that this battle isn't mine. And in the spiritual realm of things, this isn't about me as much as it is about my willingness and ability to be used as a pawn in the battle that's going on up there. (And for the record, by "up," I don't mean a physical heavenly place above the sky, as much as an "up there" that is WAY beyond me.)

And then I remember the words, "Go a little deeper and cast your nets." The words from Luke 5, the very words that inspired the existence of this blog. The words that my pastor back in Singapore commissioned me with when I left for the very first time to come to college here. The same words that echoed in my ear as I boarded the plane for Berlin, having no clue at all what I was doing. The words that remind me, "Jael, this is your walk of faith. Keep walking, and keep trusting me. I will show up for you."

And if I had the opportunity at all to go back in time, would I change anything from the last seven years? I think not. As much spiritual, emotional and mental turmoil as I have been in in the last seven years, the peace that I have now having gone through all of those struggles is something that I would never trade for anything in the world.

And that... is my life at the moment. If you're the praying type, say a prayer, would you? Thank you.

Love you all.

The Human Mind and Other Musings...

The human mind is something that I've always been fascinated with. It's not so much the science of it as much as it is the amazement at its ability to be manifested in so many different ways. If we think of it is as an equipment for the processing of life, then whatever it might be that caused the existence of this equipment must have been ingeniously creative. (And probably one of the biggest reasons why I personally find it hard to not believe in a Creator God. But... that's just me.)

See, here's the thing. While it is true that life experiences are a great cause for the nurturing of certain personality traits, there's still this thing called the human mind through which these experiences are processed. So even two kids that share similar experiences growing up can turn out to be two very different people because their minds are wired to process life differently.

That. Blows my mind.

And maybe, just maybe, because my mind is wired to process life through the lenses of fascination with the human mind, this might just be why I can sit so comfortably with the idea of post-modernity.

On the other hand, I'm also blown away by the fact that it's nearly 2am and this mind of mine is keeping me up because of the way it is still actively searching for the right words to articulate all of this fascination. Hmm.


On a somewhat related note, this human mind of mine has also got me thinking about the cyclical nature of time. Now if you've been in MaryAnn Hawkins' Biblical Foundation of Missions class, I didn't exactly steal this idea from her. But I think I'm choosing to take comfort that I'm not completely insane for having stumbled upon this upon my own musings about life because there has been some scholarly work done on this prior to my own musings.

Here's the thing. In my last blog, I wrote about endings and beginnings and all of that stuff. I've been thinking back to all the endings and beginnings that I've had in the last few years, and it seems that each time something is ending, I can't really say that I see it as a "keep going, don't look back" thing. Yes, I do know what Paul said about "forgetting what lies behind and straining towards what is ahead" and all of that. And it has its validity, but that's not really what I'm talking about here.

More than anything else, these endings and beginnings feel more like, each time a chapter ends, I'm closing up a circle and drawing another one that starts from the same point where this first circle closes. Except, this new circle doesn't overlap much of the first circle, but takes its own direction. And all these endings and beginnings just create more and more circles around this same first point until this point becomes the center of all of these little chapters.

See where I'm going with this? (If it wasn't 2am, I'd actually produce a picture and post it here to help you visualize what I'm talking about. Maybe mañana...)

But I keep coming back to the same "starting point," and starting to slowly let these circles of each chapter shape the life story until I find that this "starting point" has become the center of the entire story. And I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words what this center is or will look like until the day my physical existence on this earth is no more.

And that... is ok.

Alright, it is officially past 2 am. Enough musings for now.  Update on the New Zealand process to come soon. Prayers appreciated.

The Thing About Endings...

The thing about endings is that it usually is also the beginning of two somethings, except we only get to be a part of one something and not the other.

That. Sucks.

This past week, I had the privilege of riding along with my friend Amanda as she moved out to Silverthorne, Colorado. I didn't really do anything to make the ride any easier, especially considering I took 5 naps along the 20 hour drive.

But for me, I felt privileged that I didn't just get to close her Anderson chapter with her. I got to watch her start her Silverthorne chapter.

That. Is a privilege.

A few years ago, God and I had a pretty nasty conversation about endings. It went something along the lines of, "God, you told me to feed your sheep. So why the hell does this have to end now when I don't even feel like I've done anything significant with the feeding?" And his only response was, "My dear child, I told you to feed my sheep. But they are MY sheep." Of course I was pissed.

It wasn't so much that I would miss those relationships. No, I had learnt by then that relationships don't just end because physical proximity changes. It was that I felt like I needed to be sure they were taken care of. Ha! The audacity to think that I was of that much significance in the perspective of Kingdom work that if I wasn't around, the work wouldn't get done.

But it wasn't just that. It was that with that ending meant that I can only be a part of one of the new somethings now. I can watch the other something from the sidelines, but that other something will not be as deeply woven into the tapestry of my own story.

And that, is what hurts the most.

Thinking back to this past week of slowly saying goodbye to Amanda, not knowing when or where we'll ever see each other again, I grief.
I grief not the ending of a friendship, but the ending of the physical proximity where I can throw a greasy Lemon Drop fry stained with ketchup, Frank's hot sauce and completely covered with black pepper at her.
I grief not the ending of the conversations that we started, but the ending of the ability to offer a physical place of refuge while the other storms of life are brewing.

But at the same time, I celebrate.
I celebrate that for a few days, I got to see the possibilities of the new something that I will not get to be a part of.
I celebrate life, hope and good endings.

And I can only hope that with all the endings that are about to happen within the next few short months as I prepare to head south (and WAY beyond the Mason-Dixon line) to the place called Auckland, New Zealand, I will learn to keep grieving but also keep celebrating all these endings and beginnings.

So you see, the thing about endings is that it usually is also the beginning of two somethings, except we only get to be a part of one something and not the other.

But maybe, it's not so bad after all...

One Of These Days...

One of these days I will learn my lesson that caffeine after 3pm is generally a bad idea. Unless, of course, there are other substances consumed to offset the caffeine effect.

One of these days I will do better with living the tension between finding healing from the hurts of the past and finding grace to let go.

One of these days I will have the courage to accept that good things do happen in life -- in my life, and I don't have to feel bad about that.

One of these days I will learn that transitions are a normal part of life

One of these days...

Sure, there are a lot more things I need to learn about how to simply live life. But given all the (mis)adventures I've had in my life, I think it's fair to say I'm doing well enough. And for only having lived a quarter of a century long, heck, I've accomplished a lot in my life. And by no means is this a, "hey look at all the things I've done!" but rather a, "holy crap, Someone must believe in me a heck lot more than I believe in myself to allow me to deal with life to this extent."

So yes, I have an exciting and adventure-filled life. But the journey hasn't been all glamorous. In fact, the dark seasons seem to have done a fair job of keeping up with the joyful ones. But I've come a long way too, to find joy -- and hope -- even in the dark seasons.

So one of these days, maybe I will learn that even with all the joys and the pains, Life is now. And it won't be "one of these days anymore."

One of these days.

Now if the caffeine-effect would just wear off...

Update

I just spent the last 30 minutes lying awake, my mind racing.

I've known for a while that whatever lies ahead will be even more exciting than anything I've experienced so far. So why has it taken me this long to realise that this entire process leading up to this moment of decision-making has been Spirit-breathed?

"Go a little further, Jael..."

I think I'm ready to make the decision. Watch this space...