So This Is Life Without School...

This is what the first 24 hours of being back in Anderson post-Graduation and all its festivities have looked like:

0000 hrs: finally back in my own bed
0045 hrs: last time I remembered looking at the clock before I finally fell asleep
0330 hrs: up not-so-bright but early to take the parents and the baby sister to the airport
0530 hrs: checked in the flying crew and breakfast at McD's
0700 hrs: hugs and see-you-agains then driving back to Anderson
0815 hrs: called the vet to set up an appointment for Stormie
0830 hrs: finally at work only to find the network down so productivity = 0 since my working document is on Google docs
0930 hrs: left work since the network was still down. Made two social visits to a few friends.
1015 hrs: returned the key to my SOT mailbox
1020 hrs: stopped in at Church of God Ministries to visit former co-workers
1130 hrs: took Stormie to the vet
1230 hrs: lunched with Elizabeth
1415 hrs: decided not to get gas because I couldn't remember which gas station had gas for $3.85 instead of $3.99
1430 hrs: napped
1630 hrs: chiropractor
1800 hrs: got gas for $3.85 when it came down everywhere else and grocery shopping
1930 hrs: decided to make a big pot of chicken noodle soup
2100 hrs: finally sat down to dinner
2300 hrs: tried to start the visa application process but the website was down.

This is what the next 24 hours of being back in Anderson post-Graduation and all its festivities have looked like:
0000 hrs: finally went to bed
0800 hrs: went to work
1000 hrs: took Jason and his parents to the airport for their trip to San Fran
1230 hrs: stopped at home for a quick lunch and stopped in to check on Elizabeth and Stormie
1315 hrs: back to work
1700 hrs: went to the lab in the library because the computer at home was being stubborn.
Tried again to start the visa application process, but the website was still down
Tried to book my tickets to Portland, but Priceline was being stupid
Tried to work on a wedding gift I'm making, but I apparently didn't save it on my flash-drive
Ended up spending a couple hours ordering stuff on VistaPrint for the NZ ventures
2000 hrs: came home to slowly make dinner
2200 hrs: realised I need to start making a list of ALL the people I need to write to and/or see and the things I need to do in the next few months while trying not to scream. decided to procrastinate by blogging instead.

The rhythm of my schedule has been broken. There's not much of a routine anymore. But the schedule is still getting filled a bit too quickly by still trying to do life with people.

This week itself will see:
20 hours of work
3.5 airport runs
2 or 3 visits to the vet
2 appointments to the chiropractor
2 chunks of chill-time with friends
1 worship team rehearsal

And some time in between all of that, there's a family with 3 boys I need to see pronto, a curriculum dateline I need to meet, thank you cards to send, pictures to post, blogs to write, e-mails to reply to, German teens to harass... Oh, and eat and sleep.

Welcome to life with no more school. Things haven't actually changed that much.

Dear Keren #3 - Becky and the Church Part 2

Dear Keren,

My first conversation on campus with anyone this week (this being finals week) was with none other than Dr. Robert Nicholson himself. As much as I've rubbed shoulders with all the Church of God giants in my time here, I still get star-struck. This was, after all, Dr. Robert Nicholson, the one who has a building--one of my second homes, nonetheless--named after him. So the conversation went something like that:

Me: Good morning, sir.
Dr. Nicholson: Well, it is Jael! You're about done, aren't you? How does it feel?
Me: (What the ..... he knows my name??) Well, I have one more week... If I get through this week, I'll be ok, I think.
Dr. N: And how many other times have you said that of the weeks that have passed?
Me: Umm... A lot?
Dr. N: And you got through those?
Me: Well, I guess so...
Dr. N: Well, atta girl! You'll be able to get through this one as well. Not that you're a girl, more like a lady, but that's just an expression I use, you know?

Me: (What in the world just happened??)

I guess I should explain that Dr Nicholson is a part of that family/institution that contributed to that dark, dark year of my life. I don't know how much he knows about my story from that year, but the fact that he, Dr. Robert Nicholson, knew my name... That blew me away.

Ok, ok. So I've talked about "that year" for a while now. I guess I should explain what happened in that year huh?

Remember those times when you were unable to get a ride to The Mercy House on Sundays so you would end up showing up in that building because it was within walking distance? And after service was over, a bunch of us will head out to lunch together and it was always fun? Well, that didn't last for too long. Change happened, as always does and always will. A lot was happening within the walls of that building that was causing some amount of disgruntlement, unhappiness and division. Eventually, a big part of that after-lunch group stopped coming. I remembered at one point asking Pastor Randy if I could do my undergrad Church Music internship with him. We both ham-hawed for a bit and neither of us followed up on that so that was kind of dropped.

A year went by, and within that year, he and his wife were gone. It wasn't anyone's fault, really, except that change happens, and growth hurts, I guess. I was pretty upset because he and his wife were after all, amongst the first people to welcome me to Anderson when his son, Ryan, decided to borrow their car to take a bunch of us international kids to Walmart. You remember those days when going to the grocery store was a pain, don't you? We weren't sure who to ask for a ride so a lot of times we'll eventually end up walking to CVS to get the few things we needed. Then eventually one of the international upperclassmen would spot us walking and yell at us for walking and insisted on giving us their phone number so that we could call one of them.

Anyhow, Randy and his wife Rhonda (not to be mixed up with other Rhonda who got me involved in the worship team as I was telling you about in the last episode) and Ryan were amongst the people who made me feel most at home in that building. Granted it didn't really feel like "home" yet because I was still trying to figure out how to get into the traditional style of worship. But between them, and the Rhonda who got me involved with the worship team, I couldn't find enough reason to leave. Especially since, during the summers, Rhonda would always have me over to watch their son Victor so she could get things done around the house. She also got me involved with a bunch of different things that made me work with kids and children.

Now you have to know that it was only a few years ago that I actually started enjoying being around kids. For the most part, I felt like that awkward neither-grown-up-nor-kid person who never really had a childhood so I didn't really know what it meant to talk to kids. And I was still coming out of my "hide-behind-my-mother's-skirt" phase, so I was just REALLY awkward (not that I'm not still awkward now, but compared to a few years ago... oh boy...)

It's funny, you know, thinking about those years. Because those kids that I always felt awkward around, are the same kids that I would consider my BFFs now. A couple months ago when I was still debating about whether or not I should move forward with the New Zealand stuff, these were the kids that surrounded my table and taught me about the book that involved the 39 clues. (I don't remember the title). These were the same kids that, last Sunday at church, when they had prayer for all the graduates, stood behind me and prayed for me. I honestly didn't think I left that much of an impact on them, but perhaps it was me just being me, showing up at the summer musical rehearsals, going to their soccer games and hanging out with their parents that left an impression? And I'll be honest, I didn't show up to all these things so much because of them as much as... Heidi kind of talked me into it. Apparently I let Heidi talk me into a lot of things huh...

I guess I'm just realising that I didn't keep showing up to that building because it was convenient anymore. But people kept me coming and after a while, it didn't seem so bad anymore. I guess this was why the dark year seemed so dark. I know I'm still ham-hawing around that, but that's because I don't really know how to talk about it since that dark year seemed so long ago. At the same time, recent stuff that's been happening has been reminding me again that I should probably share more of my experience from that year than I do now.

But that will have to be for another time. The parentals are here for graduation (hey, as are yours!) and this house needs to be cleaned before I get to the chiropractor tonight.

Hugs,
Jael

Life at the Moment...

As promised, an update on the New Zealand process.

Here's the gist of what it comes down to. After the interview process was over, it was time to get to work to actually make this thing happen. Sure, the church said yes. Sure, I said yes. But there are still tricky things involved; the two biggest of which were finances, and visa.

With regards to the visa situation, we had talked about me applying for what is known as the Holiday Work visa.  But what we didn't realise was that this visa was unique to the immigration systems of different countries, which means that what is known as the Holiday Work visa for holders of a US passport is known as a Work Exchange visa for holders of a Singaporean passport. And one of the requirements for a Work Exchange visa is that you have to either be a current student in a university or polytechnic, or you have to have graduated from a university in Singapore. At least, that's what I understood about it.

Which... I don't fit into either of those. Which... Is a problem.

So we're trying to figure out if there's a way to get around this visa or simply try to apply for a different one. The other tricky part about this is that before I can proceed with anything else, I need to get my passport renewed. Which... If I were in Singapore, this would take a maximum of two weeks. I don't mean to brag about Singapore, but that's just how efficient they are. BUT because I'm here in the US, I have to drive to Chicago, where the closest Singapore embassy is to pick it up. Not that it's incredibly difficult, but it just takes a lot more time.

The financial piece, on the other hand, gets slightly trickier. Without going into too much details, we've been running into dead ends with the fundraising piece. The church in Auckland is young and small, and my personal belief is that these resources should be channeled to ministry rather than to supporting me. If a day should come where there is enough for them to support extra staff, and I'm still serving with them, then fine and good.

So we're trying to come up with more creative ways to fundraise. It just gets a little more stressful simply because of the fact that even as we speak right now, financial stress of the current day-to-day life is a burden. There are still days when I think, "God, you do realise that if I hadn't quit my job and gone to Germany when I did, life would be a lot easier now, you know? And I know Canaan is far better than Egypt, but right now in the wilderness, Egypt looks so much better." Especially after a week like this one that just passed, when one thing after another just smacked me hard in the face. And for as "high" as I've been, the rate of how quickly I crashed after some discouraging news this week is alarming. Mostly because it reminded me again that this battle isn't mine. And in the spiritual realm of things, this isn't about me as much as it is about my willingness and ability to be used as a pawn in the battle that's going on up there. (And for the record, by "up," I don't mean a physical heavenly place above the sky, as much as an "up there" that is WAY beyond me.)

And then I remember the words, "Go a little deeper and cast your nets." The words from Luke 5, the very words that inspired the existence of this blog. The words that my pastor back in Singapore commissioned me with when I left for the very first time to come to college here. The same words that echoed in my ear as I boarded the plane for Berlin, having no clue at all what I was doing. The words that remind me, "Jael, this is your walk of faith. Keep walking, and keep trusting me. I will show up for you."

And if I had the opportunity at all to go back in time, would I change anything from the last seven years? I think not. As much spiritual, emotional and mental turmoil as I have been in in the last seven years, the peace that I have now having gone through all of those struggles is something that I would never trade for anything in the world.

And that... is my life at the moment. If you're the praying type, say a prayer, would you? Thank you.

Love you all.

Update

I just spent the last 30 minutes lying awake, my mind racing.

I've known for a while that whatever lies ahead will be even more exciting than anything I've experienced so far. So why has it taken me this long to realise that this entire process leading up to this moment of decision-making has been Spirit-breathed?

"Go a little further, Jael..."

I think I'm ready to make the decision. Watch this space...

Morning Will Come...

She lay in the dark, her eyes shut.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

But instead, she sees her face.
And it all comes back.
2 am nights of screaming because all other words fail.
A pain that seemed to penetrate through her guts.
Life so brief, kinship so deep.
And the deep darkness that settled because she was no more.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

But instead, she hears that familiar tune.
And it all comes back.
Evenings of dreading the short walk between the bus station and home.
While the someones blasted that same familiar tune about... "evening"
Things, people, thoughts she wanted to avoid.
And the reminders of the ones who walked in, had their fun and left her empty again.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

But instead, she sees their faces.
And it all comes back.
Evenings of long walks with her tiny hand in his.
And her tiny feet on his as they twirled around the room.
Years of innocence where nothing else mattered except the gentle giants in her life.
And how quickly that all ended as he was no more.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

But instead, she's confronted with herself.
And it all comes back.
The ghosts of yesterday.
And the joy she found, stolen yet again.
The mask of strength removed.
And frozen emotions stirred again.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

Memories of pain.
Goodbyes said too soon. No, goodbyes she never wanted to say.
Hands she should have kept holding for the journey but pushed away because she was too used to being alone.
The longing for a sense of belonging somewhere - anywhere.
They all return to haunt when night comes.

Morning will come - she knows this in her heart.
Ashes will turn to beauty - she knows this too.
But the nights are cold and dark. And long.

Morning will come.
But how long?

So hold me Jesus,
I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of peace.

Personal Notes...

#1
They say people in ministry don't cry. They're not supposed to.
Or maybe we just don't want to think they do or don't want to see it because they're supposed to be the strong ones.
But people in ministry are people too.
They hurt too.
They lose a friend, a sibling, a child.
They say a lot of hellos, but they also say a lot of goodbyes.
And how can they not cry when they keep leaving pieces of their hearts with people and places?

Hey, I know it's not October and not time for Clergy Appreciation month yet, but take a little time today to care for the people in ministry around you, will ya?

#2
Two years of seminary are over and done with now. How much have I learnt? Not much more than the extent of how much I don't know, and how much I will probably never figure out. Except for that one constant: love. All that digging, all that discussing, all that academia, only to come back to the simple truth: love.

As my dear wise friend Mike so brilliantly worded it, "Love is so simple and yet so profound. We study in order to understand the profound part. We "do" in order to understand the simple part. We need both."

#3
So quitting my job and coming to Germany may not have been the smartest thing to do given the way the economy is now. Even till the month before I left, people kept asking if I had really thought through this carefully.

Well, it may not have been the smartest thing to do, but it's definitely been the biggest step of faith I've taken, and boy what an adventure this has been. And life is about adventure, isn't it?

Before I came, I thought I had two years left of school - two more years to figure out what's next, or if I wanted to do even more schooling. But then I came here and my world got turned inside out and upside down all over again and I think I found/remembered even more of who I really am and not just who the Singaporean/American societies have wanted me to be.

And so, I'll finish school in May with one degree instead of two. In the meantime, I'm still looking for some kind of employment to help pay for this last year of school. The good news is, now instead of taking a full-load, I'll only need to take three in each semester to maintain a full-time status for my student visa - which cuts down on tuition AND gives me more time to either work or simply hang out with people. AND the other good news is that I might have my old student job at the Human Resources office at AU back for a while to tide me over till I find something else.

Big step of faith, eh?

Peter tried another angle: "We left everything and followed you." Jesus said, "Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They'll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first."
- Mark 10:28-31

Then what's next? Well, I've already taken a big step of faith so another big step wouldn't hurt, right? Who knows. There are a few possibilities, but if you want to know, we'll have to go out to dinner... Or do it the German way - coffee or ice-cream.
 
#4
As I mentioned earlier, I think I've found even more of myself in the last 2 months. And now that my time here is ending, I'm still going to love with all that I am, can and have. But I also need to start preparing mentally, physically and emotionally to head back to Anderson.
 
When I left Anderson, I was in such a mess that I didn't even realise what a mess I was in. I can't say I've completely sorted through the mess, but at least now I see the mess. And now I'm returning to one of the "home cultures" again. I don't know if Anderson is ready for me - or I for them, but here we go. The countdown now stands at fourteen days. Or two weeks. Two weeks too little.
 
Hey, if you're the praying type, say a prayer if you remember, will ya?
 
Love you all