Churchless on Holy Week

Every year for the last ten years, the significance of Holy Week became more and more real to me.


Perhaps it was the AU/AUSOT community.
Perhaps it was Park Place Church.
Perhaps it was Doug Berky's Holy Week programme.

Perhaps that's why finding myself churchless on Holy Week this year feels so unsettling.


I've played the role of the good church kid for a long time.
I've played the role of the dutiful minister for not as long, but long enough.

Perhaps that's why finding myself churchless on Holy Week this year feels so unsettling.


Even through the years of worship wars
Even through the years of watching parishioners rip their ministers to shreds
Even through the years of watching religious teachers tear each other apart
Even through the years of rejection
Even through the years of endless meaningless debates with academic theologians
Even through the years of being of the wrong gender, age, nationality and personality type
Even through the years of ridiculous politics
I still came home to church
Even if more wounded and broken than before.

Perhaps that's why finding myself churchless on Holy Week this year feels so unsettling.


Don't get me wrong
I will still be at a church this weekend
(The good church kid and the dutiful minister still lives somewhere inside and need a sense of normality)

Don't get me wrong
I won't be there simply out of duty
(The good church kid and the dutiful minister misses all that is sacred of the rituals way too much)

Don't get me wrong
I'm not there because I haven't thought of leaving
(Even the good church kid and the dutiful minister gets tired of fighting for no real reason)

Don't get me wrong
I simply am searching for my own meaning of Church that isn't bound
By the trappings of the good church kid
Or the dutiful minister
Or the wounds and the brokenness of the years gone by
Or the false pride that the Church never did, and never would be able to hurt me

Perhaps that's why finding myself churchless on Holy Week this year feels so unsettling.


More importantly,
Jael needs to find Church again
Not Jael the good church kid
Or Jael the dutiful minister
Or Jael the wounded and broken
Or Jael the angry church-leaver

Just simply,
Jael


Perhaps that's why, just for a change, it's ok to be churchless on Holy Week this year.

Because sometimes, we all need to be a little unsettled.

(Just for the record:
In case you're concerned, Jesus and I are doing ok. But the church stuff... Yeah, that. I've managed to botch)