Today
Today a brief note from The Big Death flew in through the window
Today my blood boiled
You killed a part of me
Today
Today I went and sat outside
Today I stared into emptiness
You had more strength, less heart
Today
Today I lamented and wept
Today I ached for depth and authenticity
You didn't know
Today
Today I fell into the arms of community that loves and carries me
Today they kicked me in the behind and said, you're letting THIS get you down?
You can't stop me
Today
Today I put my bare hands to the shattered pieces from The Big Death and slowly sweep them up
Today I allow myself to feel that pain all over again as they pierce my fingers
You can't stop me
Today I'll write stories again
Today I'll feel again
You can't stop me
Today I'll be vulnerable again
Today I'll trust wholeheartedly again
You can't stop me
Today I'll learn to love you again.
Not because I want to. Not at this moment, I really don't
But because you're family, I'll learn to love you until it comes naturally again.
And no, this time, you can't stop me.
Because the tsunami of Agape has more weight than human boundaries and social structures.
Today I'll choose to love you.
And no, you can't stop me.
Today.
And everyday.
Showing posts with label The Big Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Big Death. Show all posts
23 November 2012
23 September 2012
The Big Death
I finally figured out a name for that season that crippled my first year in New Zealand.
The Big Death.
Today I realised even more that even though I kinda, sorta acted like myself on the surface my first year here, I was dying a slow death inside. The Big Death shut down a big part of me--my heart. And I've been constantly reminding myself it's a different land, it's different people, and until I learn to completely give my heart away to here, I'm still not living life abundantly.
Tonight, I finally understood what that meant.
The reality was, I couldn't completely give my heart away to this land and these people until I figured out what to do with The Big Death that was slowly shutting down the other parts of me.
Tonight, I "accidentally" dug out letters to and from Dumbledore.
"Accidentally"
Or so I thought.
I read the one just after the final blow that led to The Big Death.
I got angry all over again.
I cried all over again.
And then I thanked the Good Lord for Dumbledore all over again.
Janice and I talked the other day about how people like us often live with a two-suitcase mentality. We don't buy or keep too many things that won't fit in the two suitcases the next time we have to move across the world. In fact, besides the NIV bible my mum gave me as my first real grown-up bible, the only few other things I will keep with me no matter where I go are the two origami birds from the Freer-Fry clan for my SOT graduation party, the last card I got from Keren, the hello kitty my auntie got my cousin and I when we were four or five, and Cindy Bear (named after Yogi Bear's girlfriend) that I got from the first time I was on a plane.
But people.
We get to keep pocket-size memories of them, and as much contact information as Facebook and smart phones can hold.
Which is...
A lot.
So tonight, I shed a few tears over how The Big Death forced me to shove some memories I didn't want into the two suitcases. And then breathed a word of thanks for Mum and the baby sister and the family, for Dumbledore, Janice, the Freer-Fry clan, Keren, The Friend called "Someone Who Gives A Hoot," Jim and MaryAnn, Amber and Jess, Katherine, Chad and Diane, PJ, Indy, Woody, Stel and Coleman, Amanda, and the rest of the global kampong.
And another one that I get to keep the pocket-size memories close by.
And then I let go a little bit more of the ugly memories of The Big Death.
The Big Death.
Today I realised even more that even though I kinda, sorta acted like myself on the surface my first year here, I was dying a slow death inside. The Big Death shut down a big part of me--my heart. And I've been constantly reminding myself it's a different land, it's different people, and until I learn to completely give my heart away to here, I'm still not living life abundantly.
Tonight, I finally understood what that meant.
The reality was, I couldn't completely give my heart away to this land and these people until I figured out what to do with The Big Death that was slowly shutting down the other parts of me.
Tonight, I "accidentally" dug out letters to and from Dumbledore.
"Accidentally"
Or so I thought.
I read the one just after the final blow that led to The Big Death.
I got angry all over again.
I cried all over again.
And then I thanked the Good Lord for Dumbledore all over again.
Janice and I talked the other day about how people like us often live with a two-suitcase mentality. We don't buy or keep too many things that won't fit in the two suitcases the next time we have to move across the world. In fact, besides the NIV bible my mum gave me as my first real grown-up bible, the only few other things I will keep with me no matter where I go are the two origami birds from the Freer-Fry clan for my SOT graduation party, the last card I got from Keren, the hello kitty my auntie got my cousin and I when we were four or five, and Cindy Bear (named after Yogi Bear's girlfriend) that I got from the first time I was on a plane.
But people.
We get to keep pocket-size memories of them, and as much contact information as Facebook and smart phones can hold.
Which is...
A lot.
So tonight, I shed a few tears over how The Big Death forced me to shove some memories I didn't want into the two suitcases. And then breathed a word of thanks for Mum and the baby sister and the family, for Dumbledore, Janice, the Freer-Fry clan, Keren, The Friend called "Someone Who Gives A Hoot," Jim and MaryAnn, Amber and Jess, Katherine, Chad and Diane, PJ, Indy, Woody, Stel and Coleman, Amanda, and the rest of the global kampong.
And another one that I get to keep the pocket-size memories close by.
And then I let go a little bit more of the ugly memories of The Big Death.
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