She lay in the dark, her eyes shut.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.
But instead, she sees her face.
And it all comes back.
2 am nights of screaming because all other words fail.
A pain that seemed to penetrate through her guts.
Life so brief, kinship so deep.
And the deep darkness that settled because she was no more.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.
But instead, she hears that familiar tune.
And it all comes back.
Evenings of dreading the short walk between the bus station and home.
While the someones blasted that same familiar tune about... "evening"
Things, people, thoughts she wanted to avoid.
And the reminders of the ones who walked in, had their fun and left her empty again.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.
But instead, she sees their faces.
And it all comes back.
Evenings of long walks with her tiny hand in his.
And her tiny feet on his as they twirled around the room.
Years of innocence where nothing else mattered except the gentle giants in her life.
And how quickly that all ended as he was no more.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.
But instead, she's confronted with herself.
And it all comes back.
The ghosts of yesterday.
And the joy she found, stolen yet again.
The mask of strength removed.
And frozen emotions stirred again.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.
Memories of pain.
Goodbyes said too soon. No, goodbyes she never wanted to say.
Hands she should have kept holding for the journey but pushed away because she was too used to being alone.
The longing for a sense of belonging somewhere - anywhere.
They all return to haunt when night comes.
Morning will come - she knows this in her heart.
Ashes will turn to beauty - she knows this too.
But the nights are cold and dark. And long.
Morning will come.
But how long?
So hold me Jesus,
I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of peace.
27 September 2010
10 September 2010
Thoughts on Religious Harmony from the Culturally Mixed-Up Singaporean...
As a general rule of life, I avoid making any kind of commentary on religious or political scandals. But I guess there are always exceptions, and today is probably one of those.
The scandal that was supposed to unfold this weekend involved the whole deal of the Burning of the Koran by the pastor in Florida. This isn't the first literature burning scandal to be happening in my lifetime, so I was about to just shake my head and keep my mouth shut lest I get slammed by either sides.
But then I thought about my Muslim friends that I grew up with. Today, they celebrate Hari Raya Puasa (as it is so called amongst Muslims in Southeast Asia). Today, they celebrate the end of Ramadan, where they've just spent a month fasting as part of their faith tradition's call to identify with the needs of the world. And if it goes as the pastor in Florida had planned, tomorrow their sacred scriptures that call them to these acts of reconciling with the world will be burnt.
I'm sorry, they may not be claiming Christ. But are these not peaceful thoughts that Christ would preach as well?
So much more I can say, but tonight, I'm thankful for my Muslim friends and all that they've taught me about love. Oh, I could tell you stories of this love and this friendship, but words won't be enough.
There's a little magnet on our fridge that came in a care-package a few years ago. It reads:
Declaration on Religious Harmony
We, the people in Singapore,
declare that religious harmony is vital for peace, progress and prosperity in our multi-racial and multi-religious Nation.
We resolve to strengthen religious harmony through mutual tolerance, confidence, respect and understanding.
We shall always
Recognise the secular nature of our State,
Promote cohesion within our society,
Respect each other's freedom of religion,
Grow our common space while respecting our diversity,
Foster inter-religious communications,
and thereby ensure that religion will not be abused to create conflict and disharmony in Singapore.
I share this not to brag about the little island-city that holds my citizenship. But these are the values that we were taught growing up. And while not all of us get the big picture of the racial/religious harmony thing, at least we try.
And it kind of makes me wonder what my Singaporean friends are thinking of the Church in America. Or for that matter, what the rest of the world thinks now. It's sad, but the bad press gets out a lot faster than the good stuff that's happening...
The scandal that was supposed to unfold this weekend involved the whole deal of the Burning of the Koran by the pastor in Florida. This isn't the first literature burning scandal to be happening in my lifetime, so I was about to just shake my head and keep my mouth shut lest I get slammed by either sides.
But then I thought about my Muslim friends that I grew up with. Today, they celebrate Hari Raya Puasa (as it is so called amongst Muslims in Southeast Asia). Today, they celebrate the end of Ramadan, where they've just spent a month fasting as part of their faith tradition's call to identify with the needs of the world. And if it goes as the pastor in Florida had planned, tomorrow their sacred scriptures that call them to these acts of reconciling with the world will be burnt.
I'm sorry, they may not be claiming Christ. But are these not peaceful thoughts that Christ would preach as well?
So much more I can say, but tonight, I'm thankful for my Muslim friends and all that they've taught me about love. Oh, I could tell you stories of this love and this friendship, but words won't be enough.
There's a little magnet on our fridge that came in a care-package a few years ago. It reads:
Declaration on Religious Harmony
We, the people in Singapore,
declare that religious harmony is vital for peace, progress and prosperity in our multi-racial and multi-religious Nation.
We resolve to strengthen religious harmony through mutual tolerance, confidence, respect and understanding.
We shall always
Recognise the secular nature of our State,
Promote cohesion within our society,
Respect each other's freedom of religion,
Grow our common space while respecting our diversity,
Foster inter-religious communications,
and thereby ensure that religion will not be abused to create conflict and disharmony in Singapore.
I share this not to brag about the little island-city that holds my citizenship. But these are the values that we were taught growing up. And while not all of us get the big picture of the racial/religious harmony thing, at least we try.
And it kind of makes me wonder what my Singaporean friends are thinking of the Church in America. Or for that matter, what the rest of the world thinks now. It's sad, but the bad press gets out a lot faster than the good stuff that's happening...
02 September 2010
Constructing Theology...
I once told the dude that eventually became my theology professor that I didn't care about theology. Even after two years of seminary, I still don't. At least, not theology that live in books and not in daily lives. In fact, I've made it my goal in life to, as much as possible, NOT sound like I'm a seminary student.
But maybe I need to go back to Constructive Theology I all over again. What is theology anyway, if it only lives in books? And lately, I've found myself landing back in the stomping grounds of Constructive Theology I with Dr. Strege again. We stomped, trashed and pulled apart so much of our previously constructed theology only to be left with what?
More questions.
So many people dying.
So many young people dying, killing themselves or being killed whether purposefully or not by someone else.
People who have sacrificed for ministry being called again and again to sacrifice even more.
Then there are the ones who sit around with money to burn.
How is God fair?
And what about life?
How does it have meaning if all of it is merely suffering?
So many questions.
We talked about so much of this in Theology classes. But yet when it's lived out it seems so much more painful.
And once again, I'm too incoherent to write clearly, but the wheels are turning too quickly in the head that I can't simply fall asleep.
The simple truth?
Jesus loves me, this I know.
And
We love because He first loved us.
Other than that, I don't know anymore.
If you're the praying type, say a prayer for your jaded friend here, aight?
Love you all.
But maybe I need to go back to Constructive Theology I all over again. What is theology anyway, if it only lives in books? And lately, I've found myself landing back in the stomping grounds of Constructive Theology I with Dr. Strege again. We stomped, trashed and pulled apart so much of our previously constructed theology only to be left with what?
More questions.
So many people dying.
So many young people dying, killing themselves or being killed whether purposefully or not by someone else.
People who have sacrificed for ministry being called again and again to sacrifice even more.
Then there are the ones who sit around with money to burn.
How is God fair?
And what about life?
How does it have meaning if all of it is merely suffering?
So many questions.
We talked about so much of this in Theology classes. But yet when it's lived out it seems so much more painful.
And once again, I'm too incoherent to write clearly, but the wheels are turning too quickly in the head that I can't simply fall asleep.
The simple truth?
Jesus loves me, this I know.
And
We love because He first loved us.
Other than that, I don't know anymore.
If you're the praying type, say a prayer for your jaded friend here, aight?
Love you all.
20 August 2010
Burning Party...
I recently had a moment of epiphany.
See, there's this big box of eclectic randomness that holds all my sentimentalisms from the last six years of life in Anderson. I've been thinking a lot lately about all the people whose paths I've been privileged to cross even for brief moments. So many have come and gone, but for each one that has left or that I've had to leave, there's always new ones coming in to fill the gaps left behind by the old one. And so my box of eclectic randomness gets fuller and fuller, just like my heart does.
Unfortunately, boxes of eclectic randomness don't travel well across the world. And the things is, I keep these people in my heart more than I do in a box of letters and other sentimentalisms. And so I've resolved to burn most of these things. Some of them for closure to chapters of my life that really should have ended a long time ago but I hung out for sentimental sake. Some of them I keep just because they make me laugh.
So today, I sorted through the big box. I read through letters and postcards, laughed at silly cards and shed a few tears over broken hearts. There were silly little things from kids from the youth group 6 years ago, a giant farewell card from the TK girls, a card my then-10-year-old sister. And there were Christmas cards from people I've lost touch with over the years, but there were also Christmas cards from former co-workers.
To each one of you who have given me something for that box, thank you. I burn these things not because I want to forget but because I keep these things in my heart now. And these ashes are not simply a reflection of the junk in my life, but a reflection of everything that I've grieved about letting go and how those tears of grieving have been turned into something even more beautiful.
So in all the ways I know how to say it,
Thank you
谢谢
Terima Kasih
Danke
Gracias
Merci
for being a part of my story.
See, there's this big box of eclectic randomness that holds all my sentimentalisms from the last six years of life in Anderson. I've been thinking a lot lately about all the people whose paths I've been privileged to cross even for brief moments. So many have come and gone, but for each one that has left or that I've had to leave, there's always new ones coming in to fill the gaps left behind by the old one. And so my box of eclectic randomness gets fuller and fuller, just like my heart does.
Unfortunately, boxes of eclectic randomness don't travel well across the world. And the things is, I keep these people in my heart more than I do in a box of letters and other sentimentalisms. And so I've resolved to burn most of these things. Some of them for closure to chapters of my life that really should have ended a long time ago but I hung out for sentimental sake. Some of them I keep just because they make me laugh.
So today, I sorted through the big box. I read through letters and postcards, laughed at silly cards and shed a few tears over broken hearts. There were silly little things from kids from the youth group 6 years ago, a giant farewell card from the TK girls, a card my then-10-year-old sister. And there were Christmas cards from people I've lost touch with over the years, but there were also Christmas cards from former co-workers.
To each one of you who have given me something for that box, thank you. I burn these things not because I want to forget but because I keep these things in my heart now. And these ashes are not simply a reflection of the junk in my life, but a reflection of everything that I've grieved about letting go and how those tears of grieving have been turned into something even more beautiful.
So in all the ways I know how to say it,
Thank you
谢谢
Terima Kasih
Danke
Gracias
Merci
for being a part of my story.
12 August 2010
Wake Me Up When September Ends
So today marks two weeks since I've been back in Anderson. Weird.
You know, these phases that I'm going to affectionately name "crash landings" always seem to happen at the most unexpected times. What do you mean by "crash landings," you ask.
Well, I can't say for sure that this happens to everyone, but every time I leave a place - or more specifically, a place with people I've grown to love - I have these crash landings where for a day or two everything crashes and all the emotional junk comes out. Sometimes there are a few days, maybe weeks, between each wave of "crash landing" and sometimes it all comes out at once and it's over.
Today was one of those crash landing days. I know, I should have seen it coming, right? What with the recent news and all. Nope, flew right over my head and smacked me in the face.
Nice, real nice.
I'm sorry, I'm really trying to buckle down and make this a serious processing entry, but for whatever reason, I haven't really been able to do that. I guess a part of the crash-landing today made me realise that for the last two weeks, all I had done was just exist - simply getting back till the next day or the next thing. Considering how I messed up the last semester of seminary before Berlin by being completely absent and drifty - AND not realising that was what I was doing - I guess we're off to a slightly better start this time huh?
So what brought the crash-landing this time, you ask?
Well, it started with one bad decision. During a slightly slower time at work today, I decided to take a quick break and check my e-mail.
Bad idea.
I ended up reading a few things that made me miss Germany really bad. And then I looked around me and wondered what the heck I was doing. How does one go from an experience like that and dive right back into an office job - especially after already learning how much I hate office jobs? For a few moments I wondered if (and why) I really hated being in Anderson that much. And then I realised that wasn't it.
What we were doing in Berlin - the whole hanging out and living in community deal - that we can do anywhere else in the world as long as there are like-minded people who are willing to commit to being community for each other. I think I was starting to understand that towards the end of my time in Germany. But for that to really take root and really change my life, THAT is the piece that would truly be a reflection of the impact that my time in Berlin made on me.
Tonight, I took a long drive after I got off from work to clear my head. But this time, the long drive wasn't completely aimless like it usually is when I get like this. No, there were cherry-tomatoes from one of my Anderson neighbours that needed to be picked and eaten. Their names were Ed, Heidi, Thad, Toby and Theo - neighbours who became like family the day Heidi force-fed us yogurt to make sure we had some kind of substance in our stomachs after we got news about Keren's family making the decision to take her off life-support three years ago. They've been family a long time now; it just took me this long to realise that.
And while I don't like being stuck in offices or classrooms all-day, I need to pay my dues. The best part is, the end is near.
Until then, I'll keep holding on. And hopefully I'll eventually land in Anderson soon. For starters, I'm even willing to settle for Starbucks where I am right now writing this, even though I'm craving one of Mr. Minsch's kaese kuchen.
And if not, don't wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up if you think I'm taking too long.
On a different note, even though I'm now back from Berlin, I have no intentions of wiping this blog off into non-existence. At least, not yet. I still have more re-entry stuff I need to deal with and write about. After that, I don't know what this blog is going to morph into yet, but it will probably still have the similar theme of enjoying the journey and holding on in expectancy of all that is to come.
Hey, if you're interested, feel free to stay tuned.
Love you all.
You know, these phases that I'm going to affectionately name "crash landings" always seem to happen at the most unexpected times. What do you mean by "crash landings," you ask.
Well, I can't say for sure that this happens to everyone, but every time I leave a place - or more specifically, a place with people I've grown to love - I have these crash landings where for a day or two everything crashes and all the emotional junk comes out. Sometimes there are a few days, maybe weeks, between each wave of "crash landing" and sometimes it all comes out at once and it's over.
Today was one of those crash landing days. I know, I should have seen it coming, right? What with the recent news and all. Nope, flew right over my head and smacked me in the face.
Nice, real nice.
I'm sorry, I'm really trying to buckle down and make this a serious processing entry, but for whatever reason, I haven't really been able to do that. I guess a part of the crash-landing today made me realise that for the last two weeks, all I had done was just exist - simply getting back till the next day or the next thing. Considering how I messed up the last semester of seminary before Berlin by being completely absent and drifty - AND not realising that was what I was doing - I guess we're off to a slightly better start this time huh?
So what brought the crash-landing this time, you ask?
Well, it started with one bad decision. During a slightly slower time at work today, I decided to take a quick break and check my e-mail.
Bad idea.
I ended up reading a few things that made me miss Germany really bad. And then I looked around me and wondered what the heck I was doing. How does one go from an experience like that and dive right back into an office job - especially after already learning how much I hate office jobs? For a few moments I wondered if (and why) I really hated being in Anderson that much. And then I realised that wasn't it.
What we were doing in Berlin - the whole hanging out and living in community deal - that we can do anywhere else in the world as long as there are like-minded people who are willing to commit to being community for each other. I think I was starting to understand that towards the end of my time in Germany. But for that to really take root and really change my life, THAT is the piece that would truly be a reflection of the impact that my time in Berlin made on me.
Tonight, I took a long drive after I got off from work to clear my head. But this time, the long drive wasn't completely aimless like it usually is when I get like this. No, there were cherry-tomatoes from one of my Anderson neighbours that needed to be picked and eaten. Their names were Ed, Heidi, Thad, Toby and Theo - neighbours who became like family the day Heidi force-fed us yogurt to make sure we had some kind of substance in our stomachs after we got news about Keren's family making the decision to take her off life-support three years ago. They've been family a long time now; it just took me this long to realise that.
And while I don't like being stuck in offices or classrooms all-day, I need to pay my dues. The best part is, the end is near.
Until then, I'll keep holding on. And hopefully I'll eventually land in Anderson soon. For starters, I'm even willing to settle for Starbucks where I am right now writing this, even though I'm craving one of Mr. Minsch's kaese kuchen.
And if not, don't wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up if you think I'm taking too long.
On a different note, even though I'm now back from Berlin, I have no intentions of wiping this blog off into non-existence. At least, not yet. I still have more re-entry stuff I need to deal with and write about. After that, I don't know what this blog is going to morph into yet, but it will probably still have the similar theme of enjoying the journey and holding on in expectancy of all that is to come.
Hey, if you're interested, feel free to stay tuned.
Love you all.
10 August 2010
Tonight, My Heart's in Berlin
So I've been back in Anderson for almost 2 weeks now. I didn't mean to completely neglect this blog, but between trying to land more than just physically in Anderson but still keep up with the relationships in Deutschland, I guess that became the unintended consequence.
Anyhow, I just wanted to give a quick update on Justin, one of my friends whom I met at a cafe in Berlin. I just heard today that he had been doing well but this week, he found out he was HIV positive. He's asking the same question that I am... Why? Why is this happening to him now that he's decided to get clean and give his life to Christ?
No answers, but tonight more so than any other night since I've been back in Anderson, my heart's in Berlin. If you're the praying type, would you say a prayer for him?
Love you all. A longer re-entry post to come.
Anyhow, I just wanted to give a quick update on Justin, one of my friends whom I met at a cafe in Berlin. I just heard today that he had been doing well but this week, he found out he was HIV positive. He's asking the same question that I am... Why? Why is this happening to him now that he's decided to get clean and give his life to Christ?
No answers, but tonight more so than any other night since I've been back in Anderson, my heart's in Berlin. If you're the praying type, would you say a prayer for him?
Love you all. A longer re-entry post to come.
29 July 2010
Airports = Home #3
Somewhere over the course of the last 6 years, airports have become like home to me. It’s one of my favourite places simply because I can people-watch. And it’s the one place that no matter what country I’m in, I know how to find my way around.
And so here I am at Flughafen Tegel, (Tegel airport) in Berlin, Germany. The last 2½ months have flown by way too quickly and now I’m heading back to Anderson, Indiana. And as I sit here and watch people again, I’m reminded of all the places I’ve been, the names and the faces that I will miss.
Like coffee, Nutella and Brezelbrotchen for breakfast. And the $0.69 shower gel from Schlecker that smells amazing. The Turkish market. And Schwarze Olive. Brandenburger Tor, Potsdamer Platz, Ku-damm and Hackescher Markt. Curry wurst and pomme frites mit mayo. And Bitter Lemon and Apfel Schorle. Wandering around Ikea and the Swedish meatballs for lunch. Cakes and coffee from Mr. Minsch. The little ice-cream places everywhere, especially the one just a couple blocks from Yorckstrasse. Oh, and definitely coffee. The beautiful Black Forest. And figuring my way around the S-Bahn and U-Bahn.
And Patrick, Jamie and Marco Nachtigall who are on their way back to Yorckstrasse having just dropped me off here – for accountability, for probing and asking questions, for the curiosity and interest in my life and the next chapters that will unfold.
The teenagers from Teenfreizeit whom I’ve just spent the last week with – I can’t think of a better way to end my time here, knowing that there’s a circle of people who love me not because of any reason other than simply because we’re in the same place at the same time. Ellen, Charlotte, Jonas, Anna, Daniel, Frederik, Torno, Pia, Salina, Elena, Johanna, Lisa, Lea, Elena – love you all.
And Jana, whom I met at Gastegottesdienst on Sunday – you’re so much fun.
The crazy mitarbeiters, for laughing at and with me, for teaching me German, for being the circle for me. Sarah, Jeffrey, Alfred, Lisa, Klaudia, David, Heidi, Stefan, Tekle, Adrian, Tillman – you guys are fantastic.
Yasmin, thank you for “seeing” me.
Sabine and Raffi - you guys are nuts, but I keep you both close to my heart.
The people I met at Fritzlar, for restoring my faith in community by demonstrating what it really means to live amongst a community that really cares. Birte, Maria, Judith, Sarah, Nabil, Sabestian, Rainner and Monica, Irene, Salina, and everyone else – thank you.
Pforzheim friends, for showing me that healthy churches are possible. And for all the new friends who remind me it’s ok to be a TCK, to not know what the future holds, and to take time for coffee, ice-cream and football. Manuel, Luzi, Natascha, Julia, Sanna, Jonathan, Kristine, Edgar – thank you.
Friends from Hannover, thank you. For letting me into some of the broken places in your live, for reminding me it’s still ok to hurt. Siggi, Sanna and Amy – thank you.
The fun neighbours and people who are a part of the life in the Kreuzberg community, Ruth, Paul, Danitza and Atamarie, Jie Qiong, Rocio, Andy and Mariko, Herr Minsch, Mustafa and Banu, Nancy, Sascha, Suzann, Patricia, Micro, Svitlana, Astrid – you’re some kind of wonderful.
Simone, Leon and Rene Havlik, love you all.
And the Berlin team. For letting me into your lives, your team and your rhythm, for trusting me with your little ones, thank you, thank you, thank you. Adrian, Mely and Emilia, Ralf, Cymin and Samira, I leave pieces of my heart with you.
Aaron, thank you for being the fun brother I got to travel a little bit with, go football-crazy with and people-watch with. Bless you and Nicole.
Christian, you’ve become like the little brother I never had. I’ll miss you and your “chicken-butt” rubbish.
And finally, Kelley and Rhonda. For letting me into your lives, to share your space and your rhythm, for asking the hard questions and for walking beside me. No words but thanks.
And now I head back to good old Anderson, having left huge pieces of my heart in Deutschland, not only because of the food or the places I’ll miss, but the people. If there’s one main thing I’ve learnt from the last 2.5 months, it’s that just because I leave doesn’t mean the relationships are over. No, I’m looking forward to walking even further with these new friends – even if I only get small glimpses of the rest of their journey from time to time now.
I carry your heart.
I carry your heart in my heart.
Love you all.
Editor's note: This entry was written earlier today but I was unable to get online to post it when I was sitting at Tegel Airport.
17 July 2010
Coming Around Full-Circle
So this past week has been spent getting ready for Patrick, Jamie and Marco to arrive, getting them settled in, then getting ready for Kelley, Rhonda and Christian to get home. And beginning the round of "auf wiedersehen"s... I'm going to try to keep this one short because my brain is fried by the sun and another overdose of German.
A Few of my Favourite Things
The last week spent with the Nachtigalls have reminded me of why I love "third-culture" people. I guess a part of it is because part of the Nachtigalls' cross-cultural life was spent in Hong Kong - a culture that reminds me a lot of home. Like being able to understand their Cantonese bits of conversation when they're trying to figure out how to politely excuse themselves from a party. Or Jamie's use British vocab like "biscuits" (no, they don't mean those bread-like things you have for breakfast - they're cookies) and "lifts" (instead of elevators). Or how they have Marco call me Jael jie-jie (the Cantonese word for sister), the way the Chinese (and some of the families we work with) do.
And just hanging out with them and the Philips now that they're home... Yes, please.
Breathing in the Berlin Air
Kelley, Rhonda and Christian were supposed to arrive in Berlin on Wednesday, but due to a flight delay, they didn't get in till yesterday morning. As a result, I had a day off with nothing to do, so of course I took the time to wander around, breathing in as much of the Berlin air as I could since I only have a few more days left here.
It started with the bike-ride to finish an errand, then to the Turkish market. It was the strangest feeling recalling the first time I was there. It was my first time heading out to explore by myself and knowing how directionally-challenged I am, I had to get very specific directions from Rhonda to be sure I didn't get lost. But now I know the back roads and the scenic routes thanks to Ruth. And even while walking around this time, I didn't feel touristy anymore. And the scents of the fish and the spices welcomed me like I was the 5-year-old going to the wet market in Singapore with my mum all over again.
After that was over, it was off to Hackescher Markt, one of the places that we hit when the AU group was here. Well, when the group was here, we hopped on whatever S-Bahn, U-Bahn or bus Aaron told us to, not paying attention to where we were going or what stop we were alighting at. So this time, having figured out where I was going, I still ended up wandering around the downtown Berlin area (on foot, with flip-flops - I hadn't anticipated my wandering spirit to be awakened, but it did and now my feet are not happy).
As I walked around, I was suddenly reminded of how it only took two months before Berlin went from foreign to familiar. And suddenly, I wasn't the seminary student here to do an internship on living cross-culturally in an urban setting anymore. No, it almost felt like I was back in Singapore over Christmas break, and it was the last couple of days I had left to finish up the last-minute shopping and just wandering all over the old haunts trying to breathe in as much of the Singapore air as I could.
Except with Berlin, I don't know if I'll ever make it back again, and if so, when that will be. But such is life now, I guess.
Tell Me The Old, Old Stories
And then today I got to visit with and catch up with the stories of some old friends.
Ruth...
The last time we talked about Ruth, we were at the dentist and she was marveling at the intricacies of the dental work and how nice the dentist was. Oh, and of course, the Deutschland game and playing Rock Band with Christian.
Well, on our way back from dinner last night, we ran into her again and she told Rhonda and I she wanted to talk to us some time. So we invited her over tonight, and spent the day today trying to figure out what it might be that she wanted to talk to us about.
She came over around 5 today and we spent a few minutes letting her catch Rhonda up on what she had been up to in the last three weeks that they were in the US. Ruth had been in training at a news-stand place for the last couple weeks to work there. Apparently, this news-stand place also "trades" second-hand books. To make the long story short, one of the books she found opened up things in her past and made her think a little bit more about spiritual things and some of the things she had walked away from. So her curiosity about Christ grew, and she decided she wanted to talk to us about it because she figured we knew about this Jesus deal. But now that she has processed that, she's starting to realise this is really all a process. The way she said it, it's like she's been sitting on a nut-shell drifting on a really wide river that she knows she will never get lost in. But now she's ready to dive in and let the river take her wherever.
I guess you just have to be there.
Justin
I was at the cafe again today where I usually run into Justin. Last time I saw him, there was so much hope in his story. I was REALLY bummed I didn't see him today since this was the last time I would be able to stop in so I at least wanted to say goodbye. The ladies who were working today said they haven't really seen him very much in the last couple weeks since the last time I was there. One of the times he was there, the guy overseeing the cafe was there as well and he took him out for ice-cream.
So I don't know what's happened in the last chapter of his story, but I'm really hoping he's staying strong putting one foot in front of the next as he keeps walking down that road. I left my e-mail address with the ladies at the cafe so I can keep up with what's happening with him. Hey, if you're the praying type, say a prayer for my friend if you remember. It's not the end of the story yet.
Gretchen
Gretchen's probably my favourite of all the people I've met at the cafe. I told her how happy I was to see her because this was my last visit and she said, "Oh good, then I'm glad I came in! We will have to sit down and talk."
So we did. And then I remembered the recipes she had promised. And she said oh, she had already brought it to the cafe days ago, and Patricia, one of the ladies who work there said she would e-mail it to Rhonda and I. And then we joked about how much I didn't want to be in a red dress for Ginny's wedding.
And just talked. And laughed.
Just before she left, I promised I would e-mail Patricia to let her know what I thought of the recipes.
These. These are the things I will miss most about Berlin. More than just Deutschland fussball, the apfel schorle, coffee with nutella on brezel brotchen, the $0.69 nice smelling shower gel from Schlecker, the wide variety of restaurants between Yorckstrasse and Bergmennstrasse, Mr. Minsch's erdbeeren kuchen, and all the other little Berlin things.
I will miss those things. But I will miss my friends so much more.
As I was sitting at the cafe in-between conversations, all I could think of was, "Two months ago, you were afraid of having conversations in this place. You didn't know where you fit in. You were afraid the language barrier could not be broken in order for friendships to happen. And look where you are now."
It's hard to believe a year ago when this little idea of coming to Germany first started, I saw it all as a little joke that will eventually go away. Now I'm leaving little pieces of my heart here in this city, and with each one of my new friends.
But I guess this is life now, huh?
A Few of my Favourite Things
The last week spent with the Nachtigalls have reminded me of why I love "third-culture" people. I guess a part of it is because part of the Nachtigalls' cross-cultural life was spent in Hong Kong - a culture that reminds me a lot of home. Like being able to understand their Cantonese bits of conversation when they're trying to figure out how to politely excuse themselves from a party. Or Jamie's use British vocab like "biscuits" (no, they don't mean those bread-like things you have for breakfast - they're cookies) and "lifts" (instead of elevators). Or how they have Marco call me Jael jie-jie (the Cantonese word for sister), the way the Chinese (and some of the families we work with) do.
And just hanging out with them and the Philips now that they're home... Yes, please.
Breathing in the Berlin Air
Kelley, Rhonda and Christian were supposed to arrive in Berlin on Wednesday, but due to a flight delay, they didn't get in till yesterday morning. As a result, I had a day off with nothing to do, so of course I took the time to wander around, breathing in as much of the Berlin air as I could since I only have a few more days left here.
It started with the bike-ride to finish an errand, then to the Turkish market. It was the strangest feeling recalling the first time I was there. It was my first time heading out to explore by myself and knowing how directionally-challenged I am, I had to get very specific directions from Rhonda to be sure I didn't get lost. But now I know the back roads and the scenic routes thanks to Ruth. And even while walking around this time, I didn't feel touristy anymore. And the scents of the fish and the spices welcomed me like I was the 5-year-old going to the wet market in Singapore with my mum all over again.
After that was over, it was off to Hackescher Markt, one of the places that we hit when the AU group was here. Well, when the group was here, we hopped on whatever S-Bahn, U-Bahn or bus Aaron told us to, not paying attention to where we were going or what stop we were alighting at. So this time, having figured out where I was going, I still ended up wandering around the downtown Berlin area (on foot, with flip-flops - I hadn't anticipated my wandering spirit to be awakened, but it did and now my feet are not happy).
As I walked around, I was suddenly reminded of how it only took two months before Berlin went from foreign to familiar. And suddenly, I wasn't the seminary student here to do an internship on living cross-culturally in an urban setting anymore. No, it almost felt like I was back in Singapore over Christmas break, and it was the last couple of days I had left to finish up the last-minute shopping and just wandering all over the old haunts trying to breathe in as much of the Singapore air as I could.
Except with Berlin, I don't know if I'll ever make it back again, and if so, when that will be. But such is life now, I guess.
Tell Me The Old, Old Stories
And then today I got to visit with and catch up with the stories of some old friends.
Ruth...
The last time we talked about Ruth, we were at the dentist and she was marveling at the intricacies of the dental work and how nice the dentist was. Oh, and of course, the Deutschland game and playing Rock Band with Christian.
Well, on our way back from dinner last night, we ran into her again and she told Rhonda and I she wanted to talk to us some time. So we invited her over tonight, and spent the day today trying to figure out what it might be that she wanted to talk to us about.
She came over around 5 today and we spent a few minutes letting her catch Rhonda up on what she had been up to in the last three weeks that they were in the US. Ruth had been in training at a news-stand place for the last couple weeks to work there. Apparently, this news-stand place also "trades" second-hand books. To make the long story short, one of the books she found opened up things in her past and made her think a little bit more about spiritual things and some of the things she had walked away from. So her curiosity about Christ grew, and she decided she wanted to talk to us about it because she figured we knew about this Jesus deal. But now that she has processed that, she's starting to realise this is really all a process. The way she said it, it's like she's been sitting on a nut-shell drifting on a really wide river that she knows she will never get lost in. But now she's ready to dive in and let the river take her wherever.
I guess you just have to be there.
Justin
I was at the cafe again today where I usually run into Justin. Last time I saw him, there was so much hope in his story. I was REALLY bummed I didn't see him today since this was the last time I would be able to stop in so I at least wanted to say goodbye. The ladies who were working today said they haven't really seen him very much in the last couple weeks since the last time I was there. One of the times he was there, the guy overseeing the cafe was there as well and he took him out for ice-cream.
So I don't know what's happened in the last chapter of his story, but I'm really hoping he's staying strong putting one foot in front of the next as he keeps walking down that road. I left my e-mail address with the ladies at the cafe so I can keep up with what's happening with him. Hey, if you're the praying type, say a prayer for my friend if you remember. It's not the end of the story yet.
Gretchen
Gretchen's probably my favourite of all the people I've met at the cafe. I told her how happy I was to see her because this was my last visit and she said, "Oh good, then I'm glad I came in! We will have to sit down and talk."
So we did. And then I remembered the recipes she had promised. And she said oh, she had already brought it to the cafe days ago, and Patricia, one of the ladies who work there said she would e-mail it to Rhonda and I. And then we joked about how much I didn't want to be in a red dress for Ginny's wedding.
And just talked. And laughed.
Just before she left, I promised I would e-mail Patricia to let her know what I thought of the recipes.
These. These are the things I will miss most about Berlin. More than just Deutschland fussball, the apfel schorle, coffee with nutella on brezel brotchen, the $0.69 nice smelling shower gel from Schlecker, the wide variety of restaurants between Yorckstrasse and Bergmennstrasse, Mr. Minsch's erdbeeren kuchen, and all the other little Berlin things.
I will miss those things. But I will miss my friends so much more.
As I was sitting at the cafe in-between conversations, all I could think of was, "Two months ago, you were afraid of having conversations in this place. You didn't know where you fit in. You were afraid the language barrier could not be broken in order for friendships to happen. And look where you are now."
It's hard to believe a year ago when this little idea of coming to Germany first started, I saw it all as a little joke that will eventually go away. Now I'm leaving little pieces of my heart here in this city, and with each one of my new friends.
But I guess this is life now, huh?
14 July 2010
Personal Notes...
#1
They say people in ministry don't cry. They're not supposed to.
Or maybe we just don't want to think they do or don't want to see it because they're supposed to be the strong ones.
But people in ministry are people too.
They hurt too.
They lose a friend, a sibling, a child.
They say a lot of hellos, but they also say a lot of goodbyes.
And how can they not cry when they keep leaving pieces of their hearts with people and places?
Hey, I know it's not October and not time for Clergy Appreciation month yet, but take a little time today to care for the people in ministry around you, will ya?
#2
Two years of seminary are over and done with now. How much have I learnt? Not much more than the extent of how much I don't know, and how much I will probably never figure out. Except for that one constant: love. All that digging, all that discussing, all that academia, only to come back to the simple truth: love.
As my dear wise friend Mike so brilliantly worded it, "Love is so simple and yet so profound. We study in order to understand the profound part. We "do" in order to understand the simple part. We need both."
#3
So quitting my job and coming to Germany may not have been the smartest thing to do given the way the economy is now. Even till the month before I left, people kept asking if I had really thought through this carefully.
Well, it may not have been the smartest thing to do, but it's definitely been the biggest step of faith I've taken, and boy what an adventure this has been. And life is about adventure, isn't it?
Before I came, I thought I had two years left of school - two more years to figure out what's next, or if I wanted to do even more schooling. But then I came here and my world got turned inside out and upside down all over again and I think I found/remembered even more of who I really am and not just who the Singaporean/American societies have wanted me to be.
And so, I'll finish school in May with one degree instead of two. In the meantime, I'm still looking for some kind of employment to help pay for this last year of school. The good news is, now instead of taking a full-load, I'll only need to take three in each semester to maintain a full-time status for my student visa - which cuts down on tuition AND gives me more time to either work or simply hang out with people. AND the other good news is that I might have my old student job at the Human Resources office at AU back for a while to tide me over till I find something else.
Big step of faith, eh?
Peter tried another angle: "We left everything and followed you." Jesus said, "Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They'll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first."
- Mark 10:28-31
Then what's next? Well, I've already taken a big step of faith so another big step wouldn't hurt, right? Who knows. There are a few possibilities, but if you want to know, we'll have to go out to dinner... Or do it the German way - coffee or ice-cream.
#4
As I mentioned earlier, I think I've found even more of myself in the last 2 months. And now that my time here is ending, I'm still going to love with all that I am, can and have. But I also need to start preparing mentally, physically and emotionally to head back to Anderson.
When I left Anderson, I was in such a mess that I didn't even realise what a mess I was in. I can't say I've completely sorted through the mess, but at least now I see the mess. And now I'm returning to one of the "home cultures" again. I don't know if Anderson is ready for me - or I for them, but here we go. The countdown now stands at fourteen days. Or two weeks. Two weeks too little.
Hey, if you're the praying type, say a prayer if you remember, will ya?
Love you all
They say people in ministry don't cry. They're not supposed to.
Or maybe we just don't want to think they do or don't want to see it because they're supposed to be the strong ones.
But people in ministry are people too.
They hurt too.
They lose a friend, a sibling, a child.
They say a lot of hellos, but they also say a lot of goodbyes.
And how can they not cry when they keep leaving pieces of their hearts with people and places?
Hey, I know it's not October and not time for Clergy Appreciation month yet, but take a little time today to care for the people in ministry around you, will ya?
#2
Two years of seminary are over and done with now. How much have I learnt? Not much more than the extent of how much I don't know, and how much I will probably never figure out. Except for that one constant: love. All that digging, all that discussing, all that academia, only to come back to the simple truth: love.
As my dear wise friend Mike so brilliantly worded it, "Love is so simple and yet so profound. We study in order to understand the profound part. We "do" in order to understand the simple part. We need both."
#3
So quitting my job and coming to Germany may not have been the smartest thing to do given the way the economy is now. Even till the month before I left, people kept asking if I had really thought through this carefully.
Well, it may not have been the smartest thing to do, but it's definitely been the biggest step of faith I've taken, and boy what an adventure this has been. And life is about adventure, isn't it?
Before I came, I thought I had two years left of school - two more years to figure out what's next, or if I wanted to do even more schooling. But then I came here and my world got turned inside out and upside down all over again and I think I found/remembered even more of who I really am and not just who the Singaporean/American societies have wanted me to be.
And so, I'll finish school in May with one degree instead of two. In the meantime, I'm still looking for some kind of employment to help pay for this last year of school. The good news is, now instead of taking a full-load, I'll only need to take three in each semester to maintain a full-time status for my student visa - which cuts down on tuition AND gives me more time to either work or simply hang out with people. AND the other good news is that I might have my old student job at the Human Resources office at AU back for a while to tide me over till I find something else.
Big step of faith, eh?
Peter tried another angle: "We left everything and followed you." Jesus said, "Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They'll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first."
- Mark 10:28-31
Then what's next? Well, I've already taken a big step of faith so another big step wouldn't hurt, right? Who knows. There are a few possibilities, but if you want to know, we'll have to go out to dinner... Or do it the German way - coffee or ice-cream.
#4
As I mentioned earlier, I think I've found even more of myself in the last 2 months. And now that my time here is ending, I'm still going to love with all that I am, can and have. But I also need to start preparing mentally, physically and emotionally to head back to Anderson.
When I left Anderson, I was in such a mess that I didn't even realise what a mess I was in. I can't say I've completely sorted through the mess, but at least now I see the mess. And now I'm returning to one of the "home cultures" again. I don't know if Anderson is ready for me - or I for them, but here we go. The countdown now stands at fourteen days. Or two weeks. Two weeks too little.
Hey, if you're the praying type, say a prayer if you remember, will ya?
Love you all
11 July 2010
Me? A Missionary??
I know it's WAY too late for me to be up writing, much less to try to be coherent, but my brain is still hyperactive so just let me ramble for a little bit if that's ok.
Patrick asked me earlier today if I wanted to be a missionary. If you had asked me that question three years ago, the answer would probably have been an easy, "Yes, sign me up!" But tonight, it took almost everything within me to not laugh in his face and say, "Are you kidding me? I've worked alongside enough of you, and for a long enough period of time to know how stressful the lives of missionaries are. Do I WANT to be a missionary? Heck no!"
So what exactly do I want to do, you ask. Well, three years ago you asked me those questions, and three years later, it's still the same answer.
I don't have a clue.
Maybe the loftiest ambitions I have for my life are still overly simplistic because I haven't seen enough of the world to dream any bigger. But honestly, those dreams of working at a little coffee place, running a Bed and Breakfast style of a retreat space, and basically just hanging out, meeting people, listening to their stories and encouraging them to take time to care for their souls... Those dreams from three years ago, they haven't gone away.
If you consider that ministry, then yes. I want to do ministry.
And I know that no matter where I move to, I'm already too culturally messed up to really claim anywhere as my home base. So yes, I want to live cross-culturally - or rather, I don't really have a choice about that anymore.
And if you consider cross-cultural ministry being a missionary, then yes. I want to be a missionary.
But no, I don't want to write reports about how many people I've hung out with, making my new friends nothing but mere statistics, and their stories nothing more than just another project to be filed away in the "prayer request" drawers. No, I don't want people who don't know the stories of my friends' lives to tell me I should spend more time convincing them to share my beliefs just because I am dependent on those people for my meals and living expenses. And no, I don't want to read books or go to "training school for cross-cultural ministry" to learn what it means to live in a new city - I want to learn hands-on from my new friends.
And yes, I do know that this means I will take a lot longer to figure out where the heck I'm going to land after seminary because I don't want to merely conform to the system just so I can get the results. Honestly? Call me headstrong if you would like, or whatever word you can come up with, but I don't care about the results. I don't care if I have coffee daily with the same friend and I don't end up convincing them to share my beliefs.
Because if we think about it, Christ's agape is unconditional. We were created as an expression of his love: a love that existed before - and in spite of - us. And whether we respond to that love or not is our choice. He doesn't try to convince us one way or another - He just loves.
And we think of Hosea - a human example of unconditionally loving his prostitute wife no matter how many times she walked away again. And Hosea was human - how much more then, is Christ's agape? And so, in the frailty of my humanity, that is all that I could possibly offer - agape, not belief systems. Because agape is all that Christ gave me, not my belief systems - those are merely human constructs.
But I also know sometimes if I would just work with the human constructs (like perhaps a sheet of paper that says "Master of Arts"), the little agape has the potential to reach further distances.
And for that reason, I will stick around to work with the human constructs.
But me? A missionary?
You decide.
Patrick asked me earlier today if I wanted to be a missionary. If you had asked me that question three years ago, the answer would probably have been an easy, "Yes, sign me up!" But tonight, it took almost everything within me to not laugh in his face and say, "Are you kidding me? I've worked alongside enough of you, and for a long enough period of time to know how stressful the lives of missionaries are. Do I WANT to be a missionary? Heck no!"
So what exactly do I want to do, you ask. Well, three years ago you asked me those questions, and three years later, it's still the same answer.
I don't have a clue.
Maybe the loftiest ambitions I have for my life are still overly simplistic because I haven't seen enough of the world to dream any bigger. But honestly, those dreams of working at a little coffee place, running a Bed and Breakfast style of a retreat space, and basically just hanging out, meeting people, listening to their stories and encouraging them to take time to care for their souls... Those dreams from three years ago, they haven't gone away.
If you consider that ministry, then yes. I want to do ministry.
And I know that no matter where I move to, I'm already too culturally messed up to really claim anywhere as my home base. So yes, I want to live cross-culturally - or rather, I don't really have a choice about that anymore.
And if you consider cross-cultural ministry being a missionary, then yes. I want to be a missionary.
But no, I don't want to write reports about how many people I've hung out with, making my new friends nothing but mere statistics, and their stories nothing more than just another project to be filed away in the "prayer request" drawers. No, I don't want people who don't know the stories of my friends' lives to tell me I should spend more time convincing them to share my beliefs just because I am dependent on those people for my meals and living expenses. And no, I don't want to read books or go to "training school for cross-cultural ministry" to learn what it means to live in a new city - I want to learn hands-on from my new friends.
And yes, I do know that this means I will take a lot longer to figure out where the heck I'm going to land after seminary because I don't want to merely conform to the system just so I can get the results. Honestly? Call me headstrong if you would like, or whatever word you can come up with, but I don't care about the results. I don't care if I have coffee daily with the same friend and I don't end up convincing them to share my beliefs.
Because if we think about it, Christ's agape is unconditional. We were created as an expression of his love: a love that existed before - and in spite of - us. And whether we respond to that love or not is our choice. He doesn't try to convince us one way or another - He just loves.
And we think of Hosea - a human example of unconditionally loving his prostitute wife no matter how many times she walked away again. And Hosea was human - how much more then, is Christ's agape? And so, in the frailty of my humanity, that is all that I could possibly offer - agape, not belief systems. Because agape is all that Christ gave me, not my belief systems - those are merely human constructs.
But I also know sometimes if I would just work with the human constructs (like perhaps a sheet of paper that says "Master of Arts"), the little agape has the potential to reach further distances.
And for that reason, I will stick around to work with the human constructs.
But me? A missionary?
You decide.
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