What do I Know of Holy?

You know the song that goes, "Break my heart for what break yours"? I'm becoming increasingly convinced that the songwriter had no idea of the magnitude of what they are asking for.

What do we think we're asking for when we sing that line?
Compassion for the poor and needy?

Not that I don't believe compassion for the poor and needy isn't a part of the heart of God.
But that comes easy, doesn't it?

Compassion? Does compassion drive us to do anything?
And even if it does, the poor and needy are distanced. We can invite them into our lives, but until they become the people that we do everyday life with, they still are our "projects".

So what happens when our hearts are broken because of a love that is far bigger than we in our humanity can understand?
What happens when our hearts are broken because we are asked to say, "I love you," even when we already know that person is going to walk away anyway?
What happens when our hearts are broken because the love that we have understood and been filled with is compelling us to love in that same way?

Do we know what we're asking for when we sing, "Break my heart for what breaks yours"?
What do I know of holy?


And what about that Child?
That Little One lying in a manger, here for some reason that he may or may not even understand.

Did he know this was what love was going to compel him to do?
Did he know this was the love he was born into?
Was he holy? Was he divine?

If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
What do I know of holy?


I don't know a lot about spiritual things.
But I know they exist, and there's a realm of spirituality that I can only catch glimpses of from time to time.
And I have not traveled into enough parts of the world to know how this spirituality works in other parts of the world.
But I know I cannot disregard that spiritual things happen outside of my "Christian" understanding of this label.
And academia cannot and should never take away the spiritual.

And we are more spiritually connected than we want to think about.
But we like our distance, don't we?

Because distance keeps messiness away.
The messiness of ourselves.
The messiness of things we don't know.
The messiness of getting involved with others.

Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?




And then there's that Child.

That Little One lying in a manger, here for some reason that he may or may not even understand.

Did he know this was what love was going to compel him to do?

Did he know this was the love he was born into?

Was he holy? Was he divine?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of HOLY?

Lyrics from Addison Road's "What do I Know of Holy"

Sweet November; Life Together

Alright Blogger world, I did not mean to disappear for so long. But hey, life happens, right? And if life is about the journey where we'll just keep learning, then allow me for a few seconds to share about the things I have learnt in my disappearance.

You know how as the Sunday School kid, you kind of learnt that Jesus was the answer to everything? Then in youth group they tell you that you learn some nugget about God and then comes the time that you will be tested on what you learnt? I guess that has been the last few months.

The realisation hit a few weeks ago that I was finally getting into the deep melancholy of having left a place that took up so much of my heart for a few months. But this time I was surprised that, once again, it wasn't the "cultural transitions" that we typically think about. It wasn't transitioning back to communicating in proper English everyday instead of fragments of English and German.

No, it was missing being relational. It was missing intentionally spending time with people as my full-time job. Granted I know it's unlikely I'll ever have the opportunity to just do that as a full-time job again, I do miss having time to not just hang out with people, but actually do life and walk together with them.

And then along came people who, if left to my own choice, I would never initiate conversations with. And then I fall into their story. And we walk together. In my 6.5 years here, I've never had to take someone to the ER or the chiropractor. But I've also never been to a corn maze or carved pumpkins, or done any of the fall fun stuff.

But that all happened in the last month.
This is what doing life together is about, huh?

But it's also the willingness to stick around and fight the fights when we disagree. To apologise when we mess up. To step outside of our mess and realise that when we're stuck in the thick of the storm, whether intentionally or not, our actions sometimes hurt others.

These were all things that I read about in books. Oh, Bonhoeffer's writing is still so uplifting. But the actual living part of it is so much more painful and emotional. But so worth the while in the end.

No beautiful prose or fancy vocab this time that I'm coming out of hiding and re-entering the blogger-world. Just plain, simple, honest truth - at least, that's what I tried to do.

Love you all, and hope things are well - and if not, at least hopeful - in your world.

Variations on a Theme Called Agape

Love is only true when it comes out of the heart, not out of obedience to someone or some law. It is not a mandate but a choice. That is also the most painful kind of love.

It is the kind of love that needs no reason, it just is. It is called "I AM."

It is the kind of love that does not need explanation; the kind that has a capacity beyond human understanding.

It is the kind of love that does not need its voice to be heard.

It is the kind of love that is willing to hurt; the kind that will not let go.

It is the kind of love that can only be expressed after having experienced that same kind of love first. It is called "We love because He first loved us."
It is the kind of love that led to Calvary; the kind that chose to give itself to one(s) undeserving.

It is the kind of love that is called Agape, Yahweh, Christ, Spirit.

Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison
God forgive me, for I don't have it in me to love like that.

Initial Responses to Newell Lectures...

How many translations do we need?

There are only 2 translations of the German bible

Traditional Luther and the modern translation

2 in Chinese

Traditional characters, simplified characters

7 in Spanish

Modern translations, separation from the Catholic church, regional differences in language

So why do we need 15+ translations in English??

Speculations…

German language: “mann” refers both to “man” and to the generic “one”

Chinese language: 2^nd person, any # is always masculine; 3^rd person plural is always masculine

English speakers/readers are bored?

Speakers of other languages are thankful enough that God cares enough to speak to them in their own language.

They don’t spend time debating over political correctness or what God really meant.

Do other cultures need to be “liberated” so that women can be considered equal to men in society?

What if men and women of other cultures don’t have an issue with the male image of God because that image works for their culture?

If Yahweh is for relationships, how will the theology of liberation in breaking societal hierarchies help maintain or destroy what matters to Yahweh?

Thoughts?

Morning Will Come...

She lay in the dark, her eyes shut.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

But instead, she sees her face.
And it all comes back.
2 am nights of screaming because all other words fail.
A pain that seemed to penetrate through her guts.
Life so brief, kinship so deep.
And the deep darkness that settled because she was no more.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

But instead, she hears that familiar tune.
And it all comes back.
Evenings of dreading the short walk between the bus station and home.
While the someones blasted that same familiar tune about... "evening"
Things, people, thoughts she wanted to avoid.
And the reminders of the ones who walked in, had their fun and left her empty again.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

But instead, she sees their faces.
And it all comes back.
Evenings of long walks with her tiny hand in his.
And her tiny feet on his as they twirled around the room.
Years of innocence where nothing else mattered except the gentle giants in her life.
And how quickly that all ended as he was no more.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

But instead, she's confronted with herself.
And it all comes back.
The ghosts of yesterday.
And the joy she found, stolen yet again.
The mask of strength removed.
And frozen emotions stirred again.
Go to sleep, go to sleep.
After the sleep, morning will come.
And the ghosts of yesterday will no longer haunt.

Memories of pain.
Goodbyes said too soon. No, goodbyes she never wanted to say.
Hands she should have kept holding for the journey but pushed away because she was too used to being alone.
The longing for a sense of belonging somewhere - anywhere.
They all return to haunt when night comes.

Morning will come - she knows this in her heart.
Ashes will turn to beauty - she knows this too.
But the nights are cold and dark. And long.

Morning will come.
But how long?

So hold me Jesus,
I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of peace.

Thoughts on Religious Harmony from the Culturally Mixed-Up Singaporean...

As a general rule of life, I avoid making any kind of commentary on religious or political scandals. But I guess there are always exceptions, and today is probably one of those.

The scandal that was supposed to unfold this weekend involved the whole deal of the Burning of the Koran by the pastor in Florida. This isn't the first literature burning scandal to be happening in my lifetime, so I was about to just shake my head and keep my mouth shut lest I get slammed by either sides.

But then I thought about my Muslim friends that I grew up with. Today, they celebrate Hari Raya Puasa (as it is so called amongst Muslims in Southeast Asia). Today, they celebrate the end of Ramadan, where they've just spent a month fasting as part of their faith tradition's call to identify with the needs of the world. And if it goes as the pastor in Florida had planned, tomorrow their sacred scriptures that call them to these acts of reconciling with the world will be burnt.

I'm sorry, they may not be claiming Christ. But are these not peaceful thoughts that Christ would preach as well?

So much more I can say, but tonight, I'm thankful for my Muslim friends and all that they've taught me about love. Oh, I could tell you stories of this love and this friendship, but words won't be enough.

There's a little magnet on our fridge that came in a care-package a few years ago. It reads:

Declaration on Religious Harmony
We, the people in Singapore,
declare that religious harmony is vital for peace, progress and prosperity in our multi-racial and multi-religious Nation.


We resolve to strengthen religious harmony through mutual tolerance, confidence, respect and understanding.


We shall always
Recognise the secular nature of our State,
Promote cohesion within our society,
Respect each other's freedom of religion,
Grow our common space while respecting our diversity,
Foster inter-religious communications,


and thereby ensure that religion will not be abused to create conflict and disharmony in Singapore.


I share this not to brag about the little island-city that holds my citizenship. But these are the values that we were taught growing up. And while not all of us get the big picture of the racial/religious harmony thing, at least we try.

And it kind of makes me wonder what my Singaporean friends are thinking of the Church in America. Or for that matter, what the rest of the world thinks now. It's sad, but the bad press gets out a lot faster than the good stuff that's happening...

Constructing Theology...

I once told the dude that eventually became my theology professor that I didn't care about theology. Even after two years of seminary, I still don't. At least, not theology that live in books and not in daily lives. In fact, I've made it my goal in life to, as much as possible, NOT sound like I'm a seminary student.

But maybe I need to go back to Constructive Theology I all over again. What is theology anyway, if it only lives in books? And lately, I've found myself landing back in the stomping grounds of Constructive Theology I with Dr. Strege again. We stomped, trashed and pulled apart so much of our previously constructed theology only to be left with what?

More questions.

So many people dying.
So many young people dying, killing themselves or being killed whether purposefully or not by someone else.
People who have sacrificed for ministry being called again and again to sacrifice even more.
Then there are the ones who sit around with money to burn.

How is God fair?
And what about life?
How does it have meaning if all of it is merely suffering?

So many questions.

We talked about so much of this in Theology classes. But yet when it's lived out it seems so much more painful.

And once again, I'm too incoherent to write clearly, but the wheels are turning too quickly in the head that I can't simply fall asleep.

The simple truth?
Jesus loves me, this I know.

And
We love because He first loved us.


Other than that, I don't know anymore.

If you're the praying type, say a prayer for your jaded friend here, aight?

Love you all.

Burning Party...

I recently had a moment of epiphany.

See, there's this big box of eclectic randomness that holds all my sentimentalisms from the last six years of life in Anderson. I've been thinking a lot lately about all the people whose paths I've been privileged to cross even for brief moments. So many have come and gone, but for each one that has left or that I've had to leave, there's always new ones coming in to fill the gaps left behind by the old one. And so my box of eclectic randomness gets fuller and fuller, just like my heart does.

Unfortunately, boxes of eclectic randomness don't travel well across the world. And the things is, I keep these people in my heart more than I do in a box of letters and other sentimentalisms. And so I've resolved to burn most of these things. Some of them for closure to chapters of my life that really should have ended a long time ago but I hung out for sentimental sake. Some of them I keep just because they make me laugh.

So today, I sorted through the big box. I read through letters and postcards, laughed at silly cards and shed a few tears over broken hearts. There were silly little things from kids from the youth group 6 years ago, a giant farewell card from the TK girls, a card my then-10-year-old sister. And there were Christmas cards from people I've lost touch with over the years, but there were also Christmas cards from former co-workers.

To each one of you who have given me something for that box, thank you. I burn these things not because I want to forget but because I keep these things in my heart now. And these ashes are not simply a reflection of the junk in my life, but a reflection of everything that I've grieved about letting go and how those tears of grieving have been turned into something even more beautiful.

So in all the ways I know how to say it,

Thank you
谢谢
Terima Kasih
Danke
Gracias
Merci

for being a part of my story.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

So today marks two weeks since I've been back in Anderson. Weird.

You know, these phases that I'm going to affectionately name "crash landings" always seem to happen at the most unexpected times. What do you mean by "crash landings," you ask.

Well, I can't say for sure that this happens to everyone, but every time I leave a place - or more specifically, a place with people I've grown to love - I have these crash landings where for a day or two everything crashes and all the emotional junk comes out. Sometimes there are a few days, maybe weeks, between each wave of "crash landing" and sometimes it all comes out at once and it's over.

Today was one of those crash landing days. I know, I should have seen it coming, right? What with the recent news and all. Nope, flew right over my head and smacked me in the face.

Nice, real nice.

I'm sorry, I'm really trying to buckle down and make this a serious processing entry, but for whatever reason, I haven't really been able to do that. I guess a part of the crash-landing today made me realise that for the last two weeks, all I had done was just exist - simply getting back till the next day or the next thing. Considering how I messed up the last semester of seminary before Berlin by being completely absent and drifty - AND not realising that was what I was doing - I guess we're off to a slightly better start this time huh?

So what brought the crash-landing this time, you ask?

Well, it started with one bad decision. During a slightly slower time at work today, I decided to take a quick break and check my e-mail.

Bad idea.

I ended up reading a few things that made me miss Germany really bad. And then I looked around me and wondered what the heck I was doing. How does one go from an experience like that and dive right back into an office job - especially after already learning how much I hate office jobs? For a few moments I wondered if (and why) I really hated being in Anderson that much. And then I realised that wasn't it.

What we were doing in Berlin - the whole hanging out and living in community deal - that we can do anywhere else in the world as long as there are like-minded people who are willing to commit to being community for each other. I think I was starting to understand that towards the end of my time in Germany. But for that to really take root and really change my life, THAT is the piece that would truly be a reflection of the impact that my time in Berlin made on me.

Tonight, I took a long drive after I got off from work to clear my head. But this time, the long drive wasn't completely aimless like it usually is when I get like this. No, there were cherry-tomatoes from one of my Anderson neighbours that needed to be picked and eaten. Their names were Ed, Heidi, Thad, Toby and Theo - neighbours who became like family the day Heidi force-fed us yogurt to make sure we had some kind of substance in our stomachs after we got news about Keren's family making the decision to take her off life-support three years ago. They've been family a long time now; it just took me this long to realise that.

And while I don't like being stuck in offices or classrooms all-day, I need to pay my dues. The best part is, the end is near.

Until then, I'll keep holding on. And hopefully I'll eventually land in Anderson soon. For starters, I'm even willing to settle for Starbucks where I am right now writing this, even though I'm craving one of Mr. Minsch's kaese kuchen.

And if not, don't wake me up when September ends.
Wake me up if you think I'm taking too long.


On a different note, even though I'm now back from Berlin, I have no intentions of wiping this blog off into non-existence. At least, not yet. I still have more re-entry stuff I need to deal with and write about. After that, I don't know what this blog is going to morph into yet, but it will probably still have the similar theme of enjoying the journey and holding on in expectancy of all that is to come.

Hey, if you're interested, feel free to stay tuned.
Love you all.

Tonight, My Heart's in Berlin

So I've been back in Anderson for almost 2 weeks now. I didn't mean to completely neglect this blog, but between trying to land more than just physically in Anderson but still keep up with the relationships in Deutschland, I guess that became the unintended consequence.

Anyhow, I just wanted to give a quick update on Justin, one of my friends whom I met at a cafe in Berlin. I just heard today that he had been doing well but this week, he found out he was HIV positive. He's asking the same question that I am... Why? Why is this happening to him now that he's decided to get clean and give his life to Christ?

No answers, but tonight more so than any other night since I've been back in Anderson, my heart's in Berlin. If you're the praying type, would you say a prayer for him?

Love you all. A longer re-entry post to come.