I know it's seven months too early to use the "C" word in titling a post, but bear with me.
I'm aware I've ranted several times in the last few months about being emotionally exhausted, but this week I hit an all-time low. Close friends know that I have depression tendencies, and in the more recent years, I've learnt to catch the symptoms early enough to talk myself through them and call a friend.
Well, I started spiralling down this week. So I called a friend. Two friends, actually. Janice and Kathrin basically ordered me to check in with them at certain points during the day to make sure I was still dealing healthily with things, and we made plans for me to crash at their place this week.
Sometimes, when you've hit that low-point, all you can say through the tears and wanting to hole up away and disappear is "ok" to friends who order you around to take care of you because you don't have the resolve to fight for independence anymore.
Yesterday morning, as I woke up on Janice's couch, I thought of the last time I crashed on her couch. It was the Christmas season of 2011. I was living with Kathrin and Stefan at the time, but with their family in town and Janice being back in Australia for the holidays, we decided it was easiest if I stayed at Janice's for the ten-or-so days.
In the last few years as I was finishing up seminary, I began to dream of a time when I would get to start my own Christmas traditions. Knowing that working in a church usually meant I won't get to be back with family in Singapore, I dreamt of Christmas Eve, and welcoming friends to Christmas dinner in my own place. I dreamt of Christmas morning done at my own pace, with my own tree (my last two years in Anderson, I stopped fussing over a tree because I would be spending most of Christmas season in Singapore anyway), and coffee and Christmas brunch...
And as I woke up on Janice's couch on Christmas morning back in 2011, it occurred to me my first Christmas by myself wasn't quite what I imagined it to be. I only just found out a few days prior that my visa had been approved to stay in New Zealand, so I was barely getting settled in. I didn't have my own place, much less my own tree.
Sometimes, life just doesn't go the way we think it would.
In the last month or so, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on all that has been and all that is to come. My visa expires at the end of the year, and I'd like to already have plans for what is to come after this year.
But life doesn't always work like that.
Instead, we're thrown curve-balls, and walk down paths we never quite expected.
We learn that just because we have the ability to do things doesn't always make us the right people for the job.
We go through doors and jump through hoops, wanting to run away yet willing ourselves to keep walking because of this thing called Faith.
We are challenged to speak, yet we doubt our own voice.
We discover the things that get us going, the things that make us get up every morning and decide we can do our small part to change the world.
And we find joy and sorrow, laughter and tears through the process of approaching this God that loves beyond human comprehension, and we plead for Kingdom come.
One of my favourite things about the rainy seasons in New Zealand is that we often end up experiencing all four-seasons in a day. And the beauty of the rainbows that show up between the rain and the sun. And I'm reminded of a God that is faithful through the seasons; a God that will bring beauty out of the discomfort of the in-between times.
This morning, I caught a recording of Carissa's AhMa (grandma) singing, "主耶酥爱我，因圣经告诉我" (Jesus loves me, for the Bible tells me so). And I can only say in the words of Rich Mullins, "Ok, alright, uh-huh, amen" because I no longer have the resolve to fight.
主耶酥爱我，因圣经告诉我
Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so
24 May 2013
20 May 2013
What If... ("But we have this treasure in clay jars...")
"But we have this treasure in clay jars..."
What happens when the clay jars are too broken to hold the treasure?
What if one wave after another has knocked the clay jars over time and again
And there's nothing left that is strong enough to stand?
What if we strip away the smiles we hide behind
The pretence of laughter
The outer layers of a rose-coloured, picture-perfect world...
What if after all the tears have been shed
After all the nights of crying out, "God, deliver us"
After all the questioning and doubt
After all the words have been said
What if all that's left is a very raw sense of pain?
"But we have this treasure in clay jars..."
What happens when the clay jars are too broken to hold the treasure?
What if one wave after another has knocked the clay jars over time and again
And there's nothing left that is strong enough to stand?
What if we all just got along
What if we never had to say goodbye
What if innocent children didn't have to suffer
What if...
What if we simply stopped pretending
No more "she'll be right"
No more "it's all good"
No more "I'm fine"
Will we get through it?
Or will we run away from that very raw sense of pain?
"But we have this treasure in clay jars..."
What happens when the clay jars are too broken to hold the treasure?
What if one wave after another has knocked the clay jars over time and again
And there's nothing left that is strong enough to stand?
What if love isn't the answer
Or what if love has run out of strength to hold on
What if love no longer has patience to wait for healing
Or what if love means letting go
Will the very raw sense of pain be too much?
"But we have this treasure in clay jars..."
What happens when the clay jars are too broken to hold the treasure?
What if one wave after another has knocked the clay jars over time and again
And there's nothing left that is strong enough to stand?
What if all we have left to live on is simply the prayers of a scattered community
What if we find ourselves on our knees, face to the ground
What if morning and evening, we can only cry, "Lord, have mercy"
Will we make it?
But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies. For while we live, we are always being given up to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be made visible in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.
- 2 Corinthians 4:7-12
What if we simply lived on the prayers of the scattered community
What if we simply get on our knees with our face to the ground
What if we simply cried out morning and evening, "Lord, have mercy"
What if that's enough?
"For we have this treasure in clay jars..."
What happens when the clay jars are too broken to hold the treasure?
What if one wave after another has knocked the clay jars over time and again
And there's nothing left that is strong enough to stand?
What if we strip away the smiles we hide behind
The pretence of laughter
The outer layers of a rose-coloured, picture-perfect world...
What if after all the tears have been shed
After all the nights of crying out, "God, deliver us"
After all the questioning and doubt
After all the words have been said
What if all that's left is a very raw sense of pain?
"But we have this treasure in clay jars..."
What happens when the clay jars are too broken to hold the treasure?
What if one wave after another has knocked the clay jars over time and again
And there's nothing left that is strong enough to stand?
What if we all just got along
What if we never had to say goodbye
What if innocent children didn't have to suffer
What if...
What if we simply stopped pretending
No more "she'll be right"
No more "it's all good"
No more "I'm fine"
Will we get through it?
Or will we run away from that very raw sense of pain?
"But we have this treasure in clay jars..."
What happens when the clay jars are too broken to hold the treasure?
What if one wave after another has knocked the clay jars over time and again
And there's nothing left that is strong enough to stand?
What if love isn't the answer
Or what if love has run out of strength to hold on
What if love no longer has patience to wait for healing
Or what if love means letting go
Will the very raw sense of pain be too much?
"But we have this treasure in clay jars..."
What happens when the clay jars are too broken to hold the treasure?
What if one wave after another has knocked the clay jars over time and again
And there's nothing left that is strong enough to stand?
What if all we have left to live on is simply the prayers of a scattered community
What if we find ourselves on our knees, face to the ground
What if morning and evening, we can only cry, "Lord, have mercy"
Will we make it?
But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies. For while we live, we are always being given up to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be made visible in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.
- 2 Corinthians 4:7-12
What if we simply lived on the prayers of the scattered community
What if we simply get on our knees with our face to the ground
What if we simply cried out morning and evening, "Lord, have mercy"
What if that's enough?
"For we have this treasure in clay jars..."
13 May 2013
Mothers' Day
Yellow and orange carnations.
That's what I think of every Mothers' Day. Because that's what I remember about every Mothers' Day growing up. Dad would wake my brother and I up early, and we'll go to the market to pick out flowers for Mum. We would try to hurry home so we'd be back in time to make breakfast for Mum.
Except for the two times that we were in the same part of the world because the family had come to Anderson for graduation, the last nine Mothers' Days have been celebrated by a text or phone-call. Anderson, Auckland and Singapore were just a little too far away to make the trip.
Maybe because I've never been too eager to be a parent myself, Mothers' Day has always been about Mum, Grandmas, and all the mums I've adopted in various parts of the world. Over the years, I've read posts about being inclusive (especially in church) when celebrating mums, and I've always nodded and agreed. But it had never been personal, maybe because I still saw myself as a little kid pretending to be a grown-up.
Until this year.
We usually do a themed family style pitch-in dinner after service each Sunday, and this week's theme was Mothers' Day. Men and kids were encouraged to be the ones to be responsible for bringing the food (we were willing to accept take-aways too) this week instead so that the lady of the house didn't have to cook.
My gut reaction, as usual, was to think about the people in our church who might have been excluded because of that demographic--those who either didn't have a husband or kids... And realised, I was the only one in our tiny community church that fit into that demographic.
Then I remembered the words a dear friend once jokingly said, "Pastors don't count, remember?" So I sucked it up and didn't feel the need to speak up for myself.
I went ahead and made my share of the pitch-in anyway (because that's what good clergywomen do). When I took it into the kitchenette at church, one of the kids came up to me and said, "Why did you make food? I thought only the men and the kids were supposed to do it?"
Usually when folks try to convince me to either find a guy or think about having kids, my usual comeback is, "I simply don't have the time, energy, or really care enough to do that." But that few seconds in the kitchenette with Hannah's innocent question, I felt like I was less than human because I didn't have a man or kids, so I had to spend the morning in the kitchen.
Before this turns into a "woe is Jael" story (because that's not the point), let's just end here with this gentle reminder to consider a bit more inclusivity, especially in our church language. I know the intention wasn't to make anyone feel left out, and we may never fully include everyone, but let's remind ourselves again each day to at least try.
Big love to you all. Oh, and if you're a mum or grandma by birth or adoption, or a spiritual or foster mum and grandma, I celebrate you. Thank you for your love.
That's what I think of every Mothers' Day. Because that's what I remember about every Mothers' Day growing up. Dad would wake my brother and I up early, and we'll go to the market to pick out flowers for Mum. We would try to hurry home so we'd be back in time to make breakfast for Mum.
Except for the two times that we were in the same part of the world because the family had come to Anderson for graduation, the last nine Mothers' Days have been celebrated by a text or phone-call. Anderson, Auckland and Singapore were just a little too far away to make the trip.
Maybe because I've never been too eager to be a parent myself, Mothers' Day has always been about Mum, Grandmas, and all the mums I've adopted in various parts of the world. Over the years, I've read posts about being inclusive (especially in church) when celebrating mums, and I've always nodded and agreed. But it had never been personal, maybe because I still saw myself as a little kid pretending to be a grown-up.
Until this year.
We usually do a themed family style pitch-in dinner after service each Sunday, and this week's theme was Mothers' Day. Men and kids were encouraged to be the ones to be responsible for bringing the food (we were willing to accept take-aways too) this week instead so that the lady of the house didn't have to cook.
My gut reaction, as usual, was to think about the people in our church who might have been excluded because of that demographic--those who either didn't have a husband or kids... And realised, I was the only one in our tiny community church that fit into that demographic.
Then I remembered the words a dear friend once jokingly said, "Pastors don't count, remember?" So I sucked it up and didn't feel the need to speak up for myself.
I went ahead and made my share of the pitch-in anyway (because that's what good clergywomen do). When I took it into the kitchenette at church, one of the kids came up to me and said, "Why did you make food? I thought only the men and the kids were supposed to do it?"
Usually when folks try to convince me to either find a guy or think about having kids, my usual comeback is, "I simply don't have the time, energy, or really care enough to do that." But that few seconds in the kitchenette with Hannah's innocent question, I felt like I was less than human because I didn't have a man or kids, so I had to spend the morning in the kitchen.
Before this turns into a "woe is Jael" story (because that's not the point), let's just end here with this gentle reminder to consider a bit more inclusivity, especially in our church language. I know the intention wasn't to make anyone feel left out, and we may never fully include everyone, but let's remind ourselves again each day to at least try.
Big love to you all. Oh, and if you're a mum or grandma by birth or adoption, or a spiritual or foster mum and grandma, I celebrate you. Thank you for your love.
02 May 2013
The Lion
She took another bite of the apple as the rain drops continued to tap against the windscreen. She had been watching the clouds all day, debating whether there would be enough of a gap between each spurt of shower for her to make it out to the water.The drive out had provided enough of the quiet she had been thirsting for, and she was ready to simply turn back and head home since she really wasn't wanting to talk. "You're already here. Just get out of the car and go."
Sighing, she grabbed her bag of sour patch kids, got out of the car and headed for the water. She got to her usual spot and plopped everything down in the sand. Her mind drifted back to the conversation she had with her BFF a while ago, where she was trying to explain that rather odd relationship she had.
"Maybe you should talk to him about it..."
"Well, he and I aren't really talking at the moment. I mean, it's kinda like, I text him to report about the job since he's the CEO, but he's also wanting to be BFF. I just don't really have time for the BFF thing at the moment."
"How can he be your CEO AND BFF at the same time? That just complicates too many things."
"Well, I don't really get it either. But I guess if I did, I would have humanized him too much."
 |
| Lion Rock, Piha |
She smiled to herself. She was used to being surprised by him now, but she wondered how she hadn't figured out the form he was going to take on today. His steps were graceful as always, and he made his way over to where she was and sat down beside her. His mane shone in the evening sun and they both sat in silence for a while--her in awe, him watching the water and waiting for her to speak.
She reached for another handful of sour patch kids as they sat watching the waves crash for a while. Finally, she tilted her chin slightly toward the water and asked, "That big?"
He gave her a sideway glance and raised an eyebrow. "You're kidding, right? I MADE those, obviously I'm bigger than that.""I know, show-off," she muttered quietly. "I was just trying to make conversation."
Deep inside, she knew they both knew she wasn't there to talk. They continued sitting in silence for a while, and she absent-mindedly began scooping up handfuls of sand and covering her feet with the fine grains. She wondered if he was going to speak.
"You've changed, you know..." he finally said.
Keeping her focus on the sand, she took a deep breath. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said.
"Look at you. Of all places you chose to meet me here where we can be close to the ground, to the water, to the dirt."
She sighed. "If you're insinuating that I'm no longer the prissy city girl that can't get her feet dirty, yes. I've changed. Don't make a big deal of it. A little bit of dirt doesn't hurt anyone. Besides I can always take a shower later."
He was right. She had changed. Life was no longer about the pretty faces, the bright lights and keeping the distance from strangers. There was work to do to get things growing where the mud and dirt was, and she had found life to be more abundant in those places. Oh, there was plenty of work where the bright lights and the pretty faces were too, but she could no longer shrug away the realisation that when the shiny and pretty were completely stripped away, all that was left was dirt--the same dirt she had gotten used to digging her hands into, the same dirt that she had found beauty and life in.
She leaned over and rested her head on his back. That was when she noticed the coffee cup in his paws that was obviously too small for him to drink out of. He simply had it perfectly balanced on his paw.
As if reading her thoughts, he stated very matter-of-factly, "I don't drink coffee. I only have that cup because you asked if we could have coffee. I had to pretend so you didn't feel awkward."
She smiled to herself, grateful for the friend that was also father, mother, boss and protector of her life.
They sat in silence for another few minutes; silence that she found to be so comforting.
"Where to from here, Raiona**?" she finally asked. When she finally realised he wasn't going to answer, she smiled, packing up her things and walking back to the car. She already had her answer.
“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
** Maori for lion
26 April 2013
On Writing
Every once in a while, I need a reminder of why I write.
It was about ten years ago that I made my blogging debut as an angsty teenager. I was just beginning to understand the dynamics of this new world called cyber-space, and I wanted to be careful I didn't expose myself to unnecessary danger. I wrote some, but mostly ranted.
A couple years later, blogging became my way to stay in touch with friends when I moved halfway across the world. Then my mum found out through my cousins that I had started blogging. She graciously asked for permission to access my blog, and by then I realised I needed to blog even more carefully. The angsty rants lessened, and the life updates became more frequent.
Then one day, Mum subtly pointed out that my angsty posts weren't that great for Christian witness. I think it was then that I started forcing myself to infuse hope in my writing even when I didn't completely believe it past head knowledge.
These days, the angst is a whole lot less.
I write for closure more than for angst. It's become a challenge to find a way to string words together in a way that articulated hope more than hurt community life.
Or I write because my thoughts are all over the place and throwing them on the screen helps piece things together more coherently. I had Amber over for dinner earlier this week to help process some things, and and one point, I realised she was having trouble following my thoughts because she said, "You think like a girl... Like spaghetti, not waffles."
Or I write to grieve with community. Keren's death taught me it's easier to grieve together than alone.
So when I noticed the number of visitors doubling on the blog, I got scared. I didn't mean for my writing to get noticed. I don't know who's reading or how they're hearing what I'm saying, so I get insecure. I simply started writing because I was an angsty teenager. Most days, after I post a new blog, I want to go into hiding because I feel vulnerable having bared my heart.
I really didn't mean to get noticed, but since this blog is drawing more attention than I had ever expected, hello to each one of you.
I hope you've found this to be a place of solace and comfort.
A place where you find it's ok to stay in the darkness for a while because you have a friend here.
I hope you've found this to be a place where you can embrace the awkwardness of life and laugh along.
A place where you eventually find Light and Hope if they've felt distant for a while.
More importantly, I hope you find Love.
It was about ten years ago that I made my blogging debut as an angsty teenager. I was just beginning to understand the dynamics of this new world called cyber-space, and I wanted to be careful I didn't expose myself to unnecessary danger. I wrote some, but mostly ranted.
A couple years later, blogging became my way to stay in touch with friends when I moved halfway across the world. Then my mum found out through my cousins that I had started blogging. She graciously asked for permission to access my blog, and by then I realised I needed to blog even more carefully. The angsty rants lessened, and the life updates became more frequent.
Then one day, Mum subtly pointed out that my angsty posts weren't that great for Christian witness. I think it was then that I started forcing myself to infuse hope in my writing even when I didn't completely believe it past head knowledge.
These days, the angst is a whole lot less.
I write for closure more than for angst. It's become a challenge to find a way to string words together in a way that articulated hope more than hurt community life.
Or I write because my thoughts are all over the place and throwing them on the screen helps piece things together more coherently. I had Amber over for dinner earlier this week to help process some things, and and one point, I realised she was having trouble following my thoughts because she said, "You think like a girl... Like spaghetti, not waffles."
Or I write to grieve with community. Keren's death taught me it's easier to grieve together than alone.
So when I noticed the number of visitors doubling on the blog, I got scared. I didn't mean for my writing to get noticed. I don't know who's reading or how they're hearing what I'm saying, so I get insecure. I simply started writing because I was an angsty teenager. Most days, after I post a new blog, I want to go into hiding because I feel vulnerable having bared my heart.
I really didn't mean to get noticed, but since this blog is drawing more attention than I had ever expected, hello to each one of you.
I hope you've found this to be a place of solace and comfort.
A place where you find it's ok to stay in the darkness for a while because you have a friend here.
I hope you've found this to be a place where you can embrace the awkwardness of life and laugh along.
A place where you eventually find Light and Hope if they've felt distant for a while.
More importantly, I hope you find Love.
25 April 2013
Table Talks: Behind the Camels
This week at Table Talks, we got to talking about Joseph. Somewhere between all those discussions and my conversation with Amber on Monday, I got to thinking about prevenient grace.
One of the questions the book we're using asked what kinds of tension there might be in our household. As we discussed the question, I looked around the room and realised that none of us lived in a traditionally-defined household of Mum, Dad, kids and pets. The skeptical self chuckled inside. Cookie-cutter programmes don't cater for non-cookie-cutter groups.
But that's when I realised that by the time Joseph had to confront the household tension again, he actually was at a pretty good place in life. Pharaoh loved him, and he probably had servants to take care of all his dishes so there was no need to fight over who loaded the dishwasher, or leaving toothpaste stains in the sink. Just like each one of us in the room who had moved away from the families of origin where the household tensions were the strongest.
No, the tension came from a long time ago when he was the arrogant little brat bragging about his dreams. At one point in our discussion, Sylvia asked, "When do you reckon it was that Joseph decided to forgive his brothers and make peace with them? Was it when he was walking behind the camels as a slave that that transformation happened?"
I guess I never really thought about it like that. I mean, I guess I always knew that Joseph would probably have to work through some forgiveness issues, but I had always imagined him to be a humble, long-suffering man. But for the arrogant little brat that bragged about his dreams to turn into a humble, forgiving man, I couldn't help thinking that "soul-searching" process must have been more drawn-out than I ever spent time thinking about.
Which reminded me of my favourite poem by my #1 Dead Man Crush, Deitrich Bonhoeffer. "Wer bin ich" or "Who am I?" was written while he was imprisoned for being a part of the conspiracy to assassinate Hitler. If you've read any of my previous theological rants, you would know by now that Bonhoeffer and Luther are the two theologians I have most respect for as far as spiritual formation and reformation is concerned, and no, it has nothing to do with them being German (although I won't deny that just gave me an extra reason to love all things Deutsch). Sure, they wrote impressive stuff, but that's just stuff. At the heart of what caused me to respect them this much was their struggle with their "self," or what Freud calls, the ego.
I remember watching the film on Luther's life in German class. The scene that stuck out to me most was the one of him prostrate on the ground crying out to God to deal with him. Something broke in him that day. And I'd hazard a guess that a similar process happened with Bonhoeffer. That process of wrestling with injustice had led them to a place where they realised aside from the Creator and prevenient grace, we were really a bunch of nothings.
An acquaintance made an observation that I looked like something happened some time ago that broke me. I don't know what it was he saw that warranted that observation, but I smiled, remembering all those times growing up that the grown-ups would say that God deals with us in our brokenness.
For a long time, I had assumed it was Keren's death that led me to my breaking point. But as we were talking about Joseph's experience behind the camels, it dawned on me Keren's death was only one of the markers of what I've come to call "All the Crazy".
I don't know that Luther would have been prostrate on the ground like that in real life as was portrayed in that movie, but I remembered carrying that image mentally to the streets of Berlin. I remembered carrying it with me to Neustart that day as I sat across from "Justin" (not his real name), listening to how he had ended up in Berlin after his parents sold him to feed their drug addiction. At 12, he was raised by druggies, and less than 10 years later, he witnessed his best friend getting shot in a drug deal gone sour. Sitting there, listening to his story and the stories of the other women who had, by the end of that very short summer, become good friends even though we barely spoke each other's language, I was struck with the realisation that if I had been born into the same home background as them, I don't know that I would have made different life choices than them.
I carried that same image the day I found out that "Justin" had decided to get cleaned up and committed to a relationship with Christ. In that same short conversation, I also found out that as a result of getting cleaned up, his medicals showed that he was HIV-positive. I think that was when I found myself prostrate on the ground. I didn't understand. He and I weren't too different, and it wasn't fair that he got dealt the cards he received, and I got mine. I could still walk away from there and go back to my clean-cut, sheltered life. It simply wasn't fair.
I don't know how long I laid prostrate, but when I eventually got up, there were only three truths I could cling on to.
1) God was, is, and will continue to be sovereign.
2) God loves. God loves me for my inability to understand.
3) Grace. Grace existed before me and will continue to exist with or without me. I only needed to jump on board with it.
When Joseph emerged from behind the camels to be sold as a slave, or whenever it might have been, the arrogance was stripped away. His dreams of greatness would have amounted to nothing if not for the hand of God on his life.
When I stood up again, when I came out from behind the camels again, I was more aware than ever that without the hand of God on my life, I was nothing. My vocation, my work, my writing, none of it would amount to anything without Grace and Agape love. I no longer needed to understand even though I knew I would continue to wrestle--simply because I'm human, and that's part of the human experience.
Who am I? In the words of Charles Naylor, "I am the Lord's, I know."
Wer bin ich? - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Wer bin ich? Sie sagen mir oft,
ich träte aus meiner Zelle
gelassen und heiter und fest
wie ein Gutsherr aus seinem Schloß
Wer bin ich? Sie sagen mir oft,
ich spräche mit meinen Bewachern
frei und freundlich und klar,
als hätte ich zu gebieten.
Wer bin ich? Sie sagen mir auch,
ich trüge die Tage des Unglücks
gleichmütig, lächelnd und stolz,
wie einer, der Siegen gewohnt ist.
Bin ich das wirklich, was andere von mir sagen?
Oder bin ich nur das, was ich selbst von mir weiß?
Unruhig, sehnsüchtig, krank, wie ein Vogel im Käfig,
ringend nach Lebensatem, als würgte mir einer die Kehle,
hungernd nach Farben, nach Blumen, nach Vogelstimmen,
dürstend nach guten Worten, nach menschlicher Nähe,
zitternd vor Zorn über Willkür und kleinlichste Kränkung,
umgetrieben vom Warten auf große Dinge,
ohnmächtig bangend um Freunde in endloser Ferne,
müde und leer zum Beten, zum Denken, zum Schaffen,
matt und bereit, von allem Abschied zu nehmen?
Wer bin ich? Der oder jener?
Bin ich denn heute dieser und morgen ein andrer?
Bin ich beides zugleich? Vor Menschen ein Heuchler und vor mir selbst ein verächtlich wehleidiger Schwächling?
Oder gleicht, was in mir noch ist, dem geschlagenen Heer,
das in Unordnung weicht vor schon gewonnenem Sieg?
Wer bin ich? Einsames Fragen treibt mit mir Spott.
Wer ich auch bin, Du kennst mich, Dein bin ich, o Gott!
Who am I? - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As thought it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.
Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!
One of the questions the book we're using asked what kinds of tension there might be in our household. As we discussed the question, I looked around the room and realised that none of us lived in a traditionally-defined household of Mum, Dad, kids and pets. The skeptical self chuckled inside. Cookie-cutter programmes don't cater for non-cookie-cutter groups.
But that's when I realised that by the time Joseph had to confront the household tension again, he actually was at a pretty good place in life. Pharaoh loved him, and he probably had servants to take care of all his dishes so there was no need to fight over who loaded the dishwasher, or leaving toothpaste stains in the sink. Just like each one of us in the room who had moved away from the families of origin where the household tensions were the strongest.
No, the tension came from a long time ago when he was the arrogant little brat bragging about his dreams. At one point in our discussion, Sylvia asked, "When do you reckon it was that Joseph decided to forgive his brothers and make peace with them? Was it when he was walking behind the camels as a slave that that transformation happened?"
I guess I never really thought about it like that. I mean, I guess I always knew that Joseph would probably have to work through some forgiveness issues, but I had always imagined him to be a humble, long-suffering man. But for the arrogant little brat that bragged about his dreams to turn into a humble, forgiving man, I couldn't help thinking that "soul-searching" process must have been more drawn-out than I ever spent time thinking about.
Which reminded me of my favourite poem by my #1 Dead Man Crush, Deitrich Bonhoeffer. "Wer bin ich" or "Who am I?" was written while he was imprisoned for being a part of the conspiracy to assassinate Hitler. If you've read any of my previous theological rants, you would know by now that Bonhoeffer and Luther are the two theologians I have most respect for as far as spiritual formation and reformation is concerned, and no, it has nothing to do with them being German (although I won't deny that just gave me an extra reason to love all things Deutsch). Sure, they wrote impressive stuff, but that's just stuff. At the heart of what caused me to respect them this much was their struggle with their "self," or what Freud calls, the ego.
I remember watching the film on Luther's life in German class. The scene that stuck out to me most was the one of him prostrate on the ground crying out to God to deal with him. Something broke in him that day. And I'd hazard a guess that a similar process happened with Bonhoeffer. That process of wrestling with injustice had led them to a place where they realised aside from the Creator and prevenient grace, we were really a bunch of nothings.
An acquaintance made an observation that I looked like something happened some time ago that broke me. I don't know what it was he saw that warranted that observation, but I smiled, remembering all those times growing up that the grown-ups would say that God deals with us in our brokenness.
For a long time, I had assumed it was Keren's death that led me to my breaking point. But as we were talking about Joseph's experience behind the camels, it dawned on me Keren's death was only one of the markers of what I've come to call "All the Crazy".
I don't know that Luther would have been prostrate on the ground like that in real life as was portrayed in that movie, but I remembered carrying that image mentally to the streets of Berlin. I remembered carrying it with me to Neustart that day as I sat across from "Justin" (not his real name), listening to how he had ended up in Berlin after his parents sold him to feed their drug addiction. At 12, he was raised by druggies, and less than 10 years later, he witnessed his best friend getting shot in a drug deal gone sour. Sitting there, listening to his story and the stories of the other women who had, by the end of that very short summer, become good friends even though we barely spoke each other's language, I was struck with the realisation that if I had been born into the same home background as them, I don't know that I would have made different life choices than them.
I carried that same image the day I found out that "Justin" had decided to get cleaned up and committed to a relationship with Christ. In that same short conversation, I also found out that as a result of getting cleaned up, his medicals showed that he was HIV-positive. I think that was when I found myself prostrate on the ground. I didn't understand. He and I weren't too different, and it wasn't fair that he got dealt the cards he received, and I got mine. I could still walk away from there and go back to my clean-cut, sheltered life. It simply wasn't fair.
I don't know how long I laid prostrate, but when I eventually got up, there were only three truths I could cling on to.
1) God was, is, and will continue to be sovereign.
2) God loves. God loves me for my inability to understand.
3) Grace. Grace existed before me and will continue to exist with or without me. I only needed to jump on board with it.
When Joseph emerged from behind the camels to be sold as a slave, or whenever it might have been, the arrogance was stripped away. His dreams of greatness would have amounted to nothing if not for the hand of God on his life.
When I stood up again, when I came out from behind the camels again, I was more aware than ever that without the hand of God on my life, I was nothing. My vocation, my work, my writing, none of it would amount to anything without Grace and Agape love. I no longer needed to understand even though I knew I would continue to wrestle--simply because I'm human, and that's part of the human experience.
Who am I? In the words of Charles Naylor, "I am the Lord's, I know."
Wer bin ich? - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Wer bin ich? Sie sagen mir oft,
ich träte aus meiner Zelle
gelassen und heiter und fest
wie ein Gutsherr aus seinem Schloß
Wer bin ich? Sie sagen mir oft,
ich spräche mit meinen Bewachern
frei und freundlich und klar,
als hätte ich zu gebieten.
Wer bin ich? Sie sagen mir auch,
ich trüge die Tage des Unglücks
gleichmütig, lächelnd und stolz,
wie einer, der Siegen gewohnt ist.
Bin ich das wirklich, was andere von mir sagen?
Oder bin ich nur das, was ich selbst von mir weiß?
Unruhig, sehnsüchtig, krank, wie ein Vogel im Käfig,
ringend nach Lebensatem, als würgte mir einer die Kehle,
hungernd nach Farben, nach Blumen, nach Vogelstimmen,
dürstend nach guten Worten, nach menschlicher Nähe,
zitternd vor Zorn über Willkür und kleinlichste Kränkung,
umgetrieben vom Warten auf große Dinge,
ohnmächtig bangend um Freunde in endloser Ferne,
müde und leer zum Beten, zum Denken, zum Schaffen,
matt und bereit, von allem Abschied zu nehmen?
Wer bin ich? Der oder jener?
Bin ich denn heute dieser und morgen ein andrer?
Bin ich beides zugleich? Vor Menschen ein Heuchler und vor mir selbst ein verächtlich wehleidiger Schwächling?
Oder gleicht, was in mir noch ist, dem geschlagenen Heer,
das in Unordnung weicht vor schon gewonnenem Sieg?
Wer bin ich? Einsames Fragen treibt mit mir Spott.
Wer ich auch bin, Du kennst mich, Dein bin ich, o Gott!
Who am I? - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As thought it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.
Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!
18 April 2013
Where We Come From: Holiness, Unity, Servanthood part #2
We recently started a new series, E100 (or the 100 essential places/readings to visit in the Bible). I'll be the first to admit I'm not a big fan of cookie-cutter programmes like these, especially Christiany programmes. I could come up with 101 theological reasons to disagree with the programme, but I forced myself to pack away the seminary cynicism and give it a chance. And I was glad I did.
As a result of this new series, I've been tremendously blessed by Table Talks, the adult small group I've been facilitating for the last couple of months. Granted, there's only the three of us that meet regularly, but that's the thing. We meet. And regularly. And of course, we go through the study questions and stuff.
But that's just the stuff that gave us a reason to start meeting together. The stuff that's really blown me away as getting to do life with these women who have become my church mums. Nina's taught me more about how to work in a western kitchen than anything Google can offer. Likewise with Sylvia's resourcefulness with children's ministry crafts and doing stuff on a low-budget.
And the questions they're asking. Nina and her four pages of loose-leaf notes complete with family trees of all the crazies in Genesis. Wrestling with God and evil questions. Stuff that make me wrestle with my own theology all over again, and coming to terms all over again with the fact that life isn't simply black or white. More than anything else, I was thankful that my seminary education managed to find a place in life outside the walls of Tallen Hall.
Then this week, Sylvia blew me away even more. Somewhere between asking questions about grace and redemption and the difference between the soul and spirit and the essentials of our faith, she said, "I want to know what our church tradition says about this."
I don't remember how I reacted outwardly, but inside, I was doing a happy dance. My gut reaction was, "Oh great, now I'm going to have to seriously review CHOG/Wesleyan Holiness theology so I can articulate it in non-nerdy language." But when I got over myself, I wanted to scream, "You're so Wesleyan, whether you realise it or not."
But this is why I appreciate these women.
Not because I have well-crafted seminary answers to throw at them, but because they challenge me to think about life.
And because they are so gracious with me and my inexperience with their children and grandchildren.
And because they don't simply write me off as a young whippersnapper, but embrace me as their nerd and their pastor.
So I've been thinking a lot about my Church of God/Wesleyan Holiness roots lately. At Table Talks, we've been discussing a lot about law and grace and what those all mean according to our church tradition and understanding of scripture. I'll admit that I've taken the community of fellow Wesleyan Holiness nerds for granted in never really having to explain where we're coming from concerning our understanding of holiness and unity. But the more I dig into those roots, the more I'm thankful for a tradition whose concern for holiness and unity is rooted in grace. Not in law for the sake of law, but law for the sake of relationship.
And I've been thinking about my church mothers. The Nora Hunters, the Ann Smiths, and the MaryAnn Hawkins. The women who have gone before me, and the communities that have celebrated their wisdom and leadership. And I wonder if they had days when they had to deal with a self-esteem so low from being told over and over again (sometimes even not with words) that they were young, or inexperienced, or simply were not the right gender for proper leadership.
And then I think of my other church mothers and the Dumbledores. My own mother who has been quietly supportive and encouraging in her own way. The Ninas and the Sylvias who have affirmed me as their pastor, even in my whippersnapper-ness. And the Arthur Kellys and Jim Hawkins and Patrick Nachtigalls, who have never tried to pack my out-of-the-box-ness into neat packages.
And then I think of the people that Emily calls my "cloud of witnesses". The people whose paths I crossed while in Anderson who believe in me. The ones that hooded me not because I wrote good papers (I really didn't), but because we're all in this footwashing business together. The ones that talk about Kingdom Come more than the number of degrees we hold or the titles we wear.
On the days that I struggle with my place in the world, this is what I come back to.
Not the current job title or the job description. Those things are temporary.
No, this is where we come from.
These are the stories of holiness and unity.
These are the stories of the footwashers.
These are the stories of my Church of God/Wesleyan Holiness roots.
As a result of this new series, I've been tremendously blessed by Table Talks, the adult small group I've been facilitating for the last couple of months. Granted, there's only the three of us that meet regularly, but that's the thing. We meet. And regularly. And of course, we go through the study questions and stuff.
But that's just the stuff that gave us a reason to start meeting together. The stuff that's really blown me away as getting to do life with these women who have become my church mums. Nina's taught me more about how to work in a western kitchen than anything Google can offer. Likewise with Sylvia's resourcefulness with children's ministry crafts and doing stuff on a low-budget.
And the questions they're asking. Nina and her four pages of loose-leaf notes complete with family trees of all the crazies in Genesis. Wrestling with God and evil questions. Stuff that make me wrestle with my own theology all over again, and coming to terms all over again with the fact that life isn't simply black or white. More than anything else, I was thankful that my seminary education managed to find a place in life outside the walls of Tallen Hall.
Then this week, Sylvia blew me away even more. Somewhere between asking questions about grace and redemption and the difference between the soul and spirit and the essentials of our faith, she said, "I want to know what our church tradition says about this."
I don't remember how I reacted outwardly, but inside, I was doing a happy dance. My gut reaction was, "Oh great, now I'm going to have to seriously review CHOG/Wesleyan Holiness theology so I can articulate it in non-nerdy language." But when I got over myself, I wanted to scream, "You're so Wesleyan, whether you realise it or not."
But this is why I appreciate these women.
Not because I have well-crafted seminary answers to throw at them, but because they challenge me to think about life.
And because they are so gracious with me and my inexperience with their children and grandchildren.
And because they don't simply write me off as a young whippersnapper, but embrace me as their nerd and their pastor.
So I've been thinking a lot about my Church of God/Wesleyan Holiness roots lately. At Table Talks, we've been discussing a lot about law and grace and what those all mean according to our church tradition and understanding of scripture. I'll admit that I've taken the community of fellow Wesleyan Holiness nerds for granted in never really having to explain where we're coming from concerning our understanding of holiness and unity. But the more I dig into those roots, the more I'm thankful for a tradition whose concern for holiness and unity is rooted in grace. Not in law for the sake of law, but law for the sake of relationship.
And I've been thinking about my church mothers. The Nora Hunters, the Ann Smiths, and the MaryAnn Hawkins. The women who have gone before me, and the communities that have celebrated their wisdom and leadership. And I wonder if they had days when they had to deal with a self-esteem so low from being told over and over again (sometimes even not with words) that they were young, or inexperienced, or simply were not the right gender for proper leadership.
And then I think of my other church mothers and the Dumbledores. My own mother who has been quietly supportive and encouraging in her own way. The Ninas and the Sylvias who have affirmed me as their pastor, even in my whippersnapper-ness. And the Arthur Kellys and Jim Hawkins and Patrick Nachtigalls, who have never tried to pack my out-of-the-box-ness into neat packages.
And then I think of the people that Emily calls my "cloud of witnesses". The people whose paths I crossed while in Anderson who believe in me. The ones that hooded me not because I wrote good papers (I really didn't), but because we're all in this footwashing business together. The ones that talk about Kingdom Come more than the number of degrees we hold or the titles we wear.
On the days that I struggle with my place in the world, this is what I come back to.
Not the current job title or the job description. Those things are temporary.
No, this is where we come from.
These are the stories of holiness and unity.
These are the stories of the footwashers.
These are the stories of my Church of God/Wesleyan Holiness roots.
16 April 2013
Where We Come From: Homesick
The year was 2007, and it must have been either June or July. Holly, Keren and I had, on this random night, decided we were going to "roadtrip" to Ivanhoe's for ice-cream, as college students spontaneously do. I don't remember what else was on the playlist that night, except for two of Keren's favourites at the time. The windows were down, and we were singing at the top of our lungs, "Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend!" and "Oh, **** it, I'm gonna have a party!"
I don't know what it was like for the Holly and Keren. But six years have passed, and I look back at that "roadtrip" now and think of it as a coming of age marker for me. Only a couple months ago, I had walked across the platform in Kardatzke Wellness Center as a celebration of the culmination of three ridiculous years' work towards a bachelor's degree. Anderson University had by then become a place where I had struggled long and hard with my self-identity, and just like that, those three years were over. Keren and I had by then had several long discussions about our dreams about the future, and she was just beginning to find her place while I was still looking for mine.
You see, Keren was a Third-Culture kid. Born in El Salvador, she eventually moved to Romania when her parents took a missionary assignment with a church there. She, and my other TCK friends, talked often about how they could never simply check one box when it came down to filling out forms about where they came from. She was at a conference for international students once, and when it came time for breakout sessions, attendees were asked to split into groups based on the region she came from. Was she to go to the one for Latin America or the one for Europe? There was never one single box to check.
I remembered one of our conversations being about the things we were passionate about. She said she was slightly jealous of friends who had found their niche in their passion for social justice, or art, or something of the sort, because she hadn't found her own. I remembered thinking the same thing. I loved music, but having studied it at the college level with an over-emphasis on performance (which I hated) killed it.
Then one day, she had just gotten back from a weekend in Chicago where she had been a part of a conference called, "Displace Me". It was a movement about creating awareness of displaced people. After all the time spent trying to figure out which box to check, she finally found it. Her passion. Working with displaced people because she herself was displaced.
That had all just fallen into place weeks before that summer. Then before that summer was over, her life was taken.
It was years before I started really processing everything that happened that summer. You see, I had forgotten about the phonecall I received that night on the "roadtrip" to Ivanhoe's. In our laughter and singing, we missed the ramp for the motorway twice, and ended up halfway to Columbus, Ohio. We had gotten so frustrated that we eventually decided to simply head home, but ended up missing the off-ramp for the Anderson exit as well. Somewhere in the midst of all the chaos, Dad had rung up to chat and was asking about how things were progressing with my job search. By the time I hung up, I was even more frustrated from trying to explain to Dad the cultural differences in the job search process.
Holly and Keren calmly listened to my ranting for a while before Keren finally said, "You know, our parents haven't lived here themselves. They may have some ideals about what life is like here, but they are not the reality that we live in. And it isn't anybody's fault, we just have to learn to adapt to this new reality that we live in different worlds now."
It wasn't until years later when I began processing that I realised I had become displaced too. I had spent significant amount of time with my Missionary Kid/Third-Culture Kids friends while in college to know the traits of a TCK, and to begin to understand the way they think. But I had never saw myself as a TCK until then.
For a few years after that, I struggled to navigate the waters of this new revelation that a new chapter had begun in the pages of my self-identity. It was hardest around November because I would be celebrating American Thanksgiving with Danielle's family, thinking about the right time to call or e-mail Dad on his birthday. Then right after that, the countdown towards the time I left wintry Anderson for sunny Singapore would begin and I would get particularly homesick thinking of time with the cousins, the BFFs, the church family and all the yummy food. The night before I boarded the plane would usually be the worst. I always love going, but I hate leaving. It's in that in-between time that I feel most displaced.
Nine years later, this displacement hasn't gone away. I've moved yet again, and the understanding of homesickness has re-shaped itself as well. It doesn't help that even with all the diversity in Auckland, folks here still take one look at me, hear me speak and automatically ask the dreaded, "Where are you from?" Yes, I know I'm yellow on the outside, sound like white America, and have the black, red and gold of Germany hanging in the Snuggery where I live, but the truth is, I have too many other colours on the inside. I would happily don the black, red and green of my Kenyan sister, Emily, the vibrant flowers of my Island whanau, while wearing the intricately beaded headpieces of the Lakotas, a people near and dear to my heart.
And the in-between times... Gosh, the in-between times are the worst. Nina who has become one of my Auckland church mums came up to me at church yesterday, gave me a big hug and said, "You've been a bit homesick, haven't you?" The tears came really close, but I wasn't sure if it was because someone noticed, or if it was because I hadn't even noticed it myself until she pointed it out. There's so much here that I love and wouldn't be ready to leave, even if just for a month. But there's a part of me that's already in Portland having bubble tea with Arthur and a massive pow-wow with Cassie. Another part of me has already tasted the corn and cherry tomatoes from Heidi's garden, and solved all the problems of the world with the semiNerdian friends. And still another part of me has already snuggled with Hannah and thrown fries at Amanda.
And maybe that's why I love airports so much. Because I feel less alone in the in-between-ness, even if no one else in the waiting lounge is as crazy/displaced enough to be processing these thoughts.
I was scrolling through old photos on Facebook earlier and found this one, taken in front Brandenburger Tor in Berlin. It was one of the first days we were there and there were various exhibits that we could take photos with. Some were historical; others political; still others, simply funny. This little guy here though, reminded me too much of myself. By the time I got to Germany, I had come to the realisation that no matter what part of the world I move to or how many times I move, wherever I sleep that night would be home, but I would also still be homesick for at least one of the other homes.
That is the new normal now. And it will be ok.
Emily sent me this photo via Whatsapp today. I hadn't expected it because it wasn't a significant date. But it was the reminder I needed that I wasn't alone in this warped in-between place. A few months after Keren died, they planted a tree on campus in remembrance of her. When I still lived in Anderson, I would visit on her birth and death anniversary with the yellow flowers she wanted on her last birthday. It became a place of solitude in the summer months as well. Months before I moved, I told Emily that I wasn't sure what I would do anymore on her birth and death anniversary. She offered to simply bring flowers to visit whenever she was able. Emi, thank you.
This. This is where we come from.
I don't know what it was like for the Holly and Keren. But six years have passed, and I look back at that "roadtrip" now and think of it as a coming of age marker for me. Only a couple months ago, I had walked across the platform in Kardatzke Wellness Center as a celebration of the culmination of three ridiculous years' work towards a bachelor's degree. Anderson University had by then become a place where I had struggled long and hard with my self-identity, and just like that, those three years were over. Keren and I had by then had several long discussions about our dreams about the future, and she was just beginning to find her place while I was still looking for mine.
You see, Keren was a Third-Culture kid. Born in El Salvador, she eventually moved to Romania when her parents took a missionary assignment with a church there. She, and my other TCK friends, talked often about how they could never simply check one box when it came down to filling out forms about where they came from. She was at a conference for international students once, and when it came time for breakout sessions, attendees were asked to split into groups based on the region she came from. Was she to go to the one for Latin America or the one for Europe? There was never one single box to check.
I remembered one of our conversations being about the things we were passionate about. She said she was slightly jealous of friends who had found their niche in their passion for social justice, or art, or something of the sort, because she hadn't found her own. I remembered thinking the same thing. I loved music, but having studied it at the college level with an over-emphasis on performance (which I hated) killed it.
Then one day, she had just gotten back from a weekend in Chicago where she had been a part of a conference called, "Displace Me". It was a movement about creating awareness of displaced people. After all the time spent trying to figure out which box to check, she finally found it. Her passion. Working with displaced people because she herself was displaced.
That had all just fallen into place weeks before that summer. Then before that summer was over, her life was taken.
It was years before I started really processing everything that happened that summer. You see, I had forgotten about the phonecall I received that night on the "roadtrip" to Ivanhoe's. In our laughter and singing, we missed the ramp for the motorway twice, and ended up halfway to Columbus, Ohio. We had gotten so frustrated that we eventually decided to simply head home, but ended up missing the off-ramp for the Anderson exit as well. Somewhere in the midst of all the chaos, Dad had rung up to chat and was asking about how things were progressing with my job search. By the time I hung up, I was even more frustrated from trying to explain to Dad the cultural differences in the job search process.
Holly and Keren calmly listened to my ranting for a while before Keren finally said, "You know, our parents haven't lived here themselves. They may have some ideals about what life is like here, but they are not the reality that we live in. And it isn't anybody's fault, we just have to learn to adapt to this new reality that we live in different worlds now."
It wasn't until years later when I began processing that I realised I had become displaced too. I had spent significant amount of time with my Missionary Kid/Third-Culture Kids friends while in college to know the traits of a TCK, and to begin to understand the way they think. But I had never saw myself as a TCK until then.
For a few years after that, I struggled to navigate the waters of this new revelation that a new chapter had begun in the pages of my self-identity. It was hardest around November because I would be celebrating American Thanksgiving with Danielle's family, thinking about the right time to call or e-mail Dad on his birthday. Then right after that, the countdown towards the time I left wintry Anderson for sunny Singapore would begin and I would get particularly homesick thinking of time with the cousins, the BFFs, the church family and all the yummy food. The night before I boarded the plane would usually be the worst. I always love going, but I hate leaving. It's in that in-between time that I feel most displaced.
Nine years later, this displacement hasn't gone away. I've moved yet again, and the understanding of homesickness has re-shaped itself as well. It doesn't help that even with all the diversity in Auckland, folks here still take one look at me, hear me speak and automatically ask the dreaded, "Where are you from?" Yes, I know I'm yellow on the outside, sound like white America, and have the black, red and gold of Germany hanging in the Snuggery where I live, but the truth is, I have too many other colours on the inside. I would happily don the black, red and green of my Kenyan sister, Emily, the vibrant flowers of my Island whanau, while wearing the intricately beaded headpieces of the Lakotas, a people near and dear to my heart.
And the in-between times... Gosh, the in-between times are the worst. Nina who has become one of my Auckland church mums came up to me at church yesterday, gave me a big hug and said, "You've been a bit homesick, haven't you?" The tears came really close, but I wasn't sure if it was because someone noticed, or if it was because I hadn't even noticed it myself until she pointed it out. There's so much here that I love and wouldn't be ready to leave, even if just for a month. But there's a part of me that's already in Portland having bubble tea with Arthur and a massive pow-wow with Cassie. Another part of me has already tasted the corn and cherry tomatoes from Heidi's garden, and solved all the problems of the world with the semiNerdian friends. And still another part of me has already snuggled with Hannah and thrown fries at Amanda.
And maybe that's why I love airports so much. Because I feel less alone in the in-between-ness, even if no one else in the waiting lounge is as crazy/displaced enough to be processing these thoughts.
That is the new normal now. And it will be ok.
Emily sent me this photo via Whatsapp today. I hadn't expected it because it wasn't a significant date. But it was the reminder I needed that I wasn't alone in this warped in-between place. A few months after Keren died, they planted a tree on campus in remembrance of her. When I still lived in Anderson, I would visit on her birth and death anniversary with the yellow flowers she wanted on her last birthday. It became a place of solitude in the summer months as well. Months before I moved, I told Emily that I wasn't sure what I would do anymore on her birth and death anniversary. She offered to simply bring flowers to visit whenever she was able. Emi, thank you.
This. This is where we come from.
06 April 2013
Where We Come From: Holiness, Unity, Servanthood part #1
"Holiness, Unity, Servanthood"
Ours wasn't a family that went to church our whole lives, and I still remember the days when Mum would take my brother and I church-hunting. But as long as I remember going to church, I remember those words to be inscribed on the walls of the building that we went to.
As a child, I remember staring at those words, thinking, "I know those words exist in the Bible. And if they are also appear on the walls of this building, and on the front page of those papers they hand out when we walk in to church, they must be pretty important. But they sound so grown up and fancy, and I'll never understand, much less achieve, what they mean."
Fast forward about twenty years, and I'm sitting in my bedroom here in Auckland, pondering those same words. Except now, they've been inscribed in my DNA as a follower of Jesus. Lots have happened between then and now, and a lot more is about to happen.
My mind flashes back to the silver letters on the front wall of the sanctuary in the new building of the church I grew up in.
"Holiness. Unity. Servanthood."
These are stories of Where We Come From--
This is the small part of my Christian heritage
The movement I claim roots in
The Church of God that I love dearly.
Ours wasn't a family that went to church our whole lives, and I still remember the days when Mum would take my brother and I church-hunting. But as long as I remember going to church, I remember those words to be inscribed on the walls of the building that we went to.
As a child, I remember staring at those words, thinking, "I know those words exist in the Bible. And if they are also appear on the walls of this building, and on the front page of those papers they hand out when we walk in to church, they must be pretty important. But they sound so grown up and fancy, and I'll never understand, much less achieve, what they mean."
Fast forward about twenty years, and I'm sitting in my bedroom here in Auckland, pondering those same words. Except now, they've been inscribed in my DNA as a follower of Jesus. Lots have happened between then and now, and a lot more is about to happen.
My mind flashes back to the silver letters on the front wall of the sanctuary in the new building of the church I grew up in.
"Holiness. Unity. Servanthood."
These are stories of Where We Come From--
This is the small part of my Christian heritage
The movement I claim roots in
The Church of God that I love dearly.
04 April 2013
Where We Come From: A Bit of Shameless Self-Promotion
I don't usually do this, but here's a bit of shameless self-promotion of a couple pieces of writing that have gone to print recently.
"Sacred Spaces in the City" (see page 5) is a piece on urban ministry that I was asked to write for Communion, the main publication of the Church of God in North America.
And my friend and teacher, Kimberly Majeski just tweeted that the book, "Called to Minister, Empowered to Serve," a collaborative publication that I had the privilege to be a part of, is now available for purchase. Kimberly writes,
The publishing process usually takes enough time for me to forget that I've written a piece that's gone to print. It's not usually till a friend says something about it that I remember someone actually believed I had something to contribute to the bigger global conversation--enough to "pester" me to make my voice heard.
These are the stories of Where We Come From--and a reminder that it's never been about me in the first place.
"Sacred Spaces in the City" (see page 5) is a piece on urban ministry that I was asked to write for Communion, the main publication of the Church of God in North America.
And my friend and teacher, Kimberly Majeski just tweeted that the book, "Called to Minister, Empowered to Serve," a collaborative publication that I had the privilege to be a part of, is now available for purchase. Kimberly writes,
"Edited by Dr. Mary Ann Hawkins this book is a collaboration of love by women clergy and scholars in the the Church of God Movement."MaryAnn and Jim have been mentors and "church parents" to me through my seminary years. When MaryAnn asked if I would contribute a piece for this collaboration about my call to ministry, I couldn't say no. Besides, it was also a reminder that I was a part of a bigger chorus of voices that share the same struggles in ministry, and especially with other women who face the daily struggle with their call in a vocation that is more often male-dominated.
The publishing process usually takes enough time for me to forget that I've written a piece that's gone to print. It's not usually till a friend says something about it that I remember someone actually believed I had something to contribute to the bigger global conversation--enough to "pester" me to make my voice heard.
These are the stories of Where We Come From--and a reminder that it's never been about me in the first place.
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