I'll be honest. I didn't come to Germany thinking I would fall in love with this place. Mostly because it's Europe and it's overly-romanticised. Or at least, I didn't think I'd be more in love with it than with Atlanta, or Portland or New York. But I think I might have fallen. And fallen hard.
I've already mentioned in a previous entry how much I love Berlin. The last few days in Pforzheim helped me realise another small part of why I love it - there are enough culturally mixed-up people there for me to feel at home. We don't always speak the same language, but we all find one way or another to communicate with the next person we meet on the streets.
And the big city. We already know what my heart feels about the big city. I don't know if I'm the only slow one that JUST realised the places I really fell in love with are all the big cities. And falling asleep to the sounds of the city right outside my window. And sidewalks and public transport. I thought Berlin really spoke my language.
Then I came to Pforzheim. And my heart is being stirred in a way I had not expected at all. Quite frankly, when Kelley, Rhonda, Aaron and I were talking about the possibility of me coming down here to hang out for a few days while they are in the US, I didn't think too much about it. Sure it would be great to reconnect with Manuel, an old acquaintance from AU who now pastors the church here, and to see how they do church here.
But then I had to meet Luzi, Sanna and Natascha, all of whom are descendents of Germans who had migrated to Russia years and years ago. They are the second or third generation to move back to Germany from Russia, so they talk a little bit about this identity crisis thing that they go through as a result of that.
If you know anything about what kept me sane at my office job before coming to Germany, you would know it's the missionaries and especially their children. And if you know about my fascination with Smeagol from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, you would know my fascination with people who go through this identity crisis thing.
But mostly because I identify with them, having crossed culture at a fairly young age myself. I carry with me pieces from two different worlds (and now three) that don't always mesh well together. And I often find myself at a place where I'll always be considered an outsider. I may have grown up in Singapore and carry a Singaporean passport. But I don't really belong there anymore because I left, and I'll always be considered a banana because to them - I may be yellow on the outside, but I'm white on the inside (even if that may not be true). And I definitely don't look like an Anglo, so I'll never really belong in the United States (and besides, I don't actually think like most people in at least the Midwest do).
In the last three days here in Pforzheim, I've just spent a lot of time talking to (and watching football of course) people here in the church. Natascha and I sat at a cafe for a few hours yesterday sharing our stories and I found myself close to tears on a few occasions just remembering things. Luzi and I chatted for a while till fairly late last night and again I felt something moving in my soul.
Other than Manuel, these are all people I'm meeting for the first time, but already I feel like I've known them forever. And if I'm honest with myself, I haven't felt my soul stirring like that in a long time and I miss this feeling. It feels like the rain of mercy is finally falling on the parched land of my heart and I woke up this morning with a great heaviness thinking, God, what are you doing to my heart now? I can't fall in love with this place since I'm leaving tomorrow morning.
Later today, Manuel will be visiting an older Russian-German couple from the church who are amongst the group that came back from Russia and I'll get to tag along. I'll be honest. I know how I guard myself when I'm afraid of falling in love then having to say goodbye. But I don't want to deprive myself from laughing or crying wholeheartedly when I'm spending time with this couple.
You can't win, can you? Sigh.
I really didn't mean for this entry to get so personal, but somehow it did. Hey, if you're the praying type, would you say a prayer for me?
Deutschland Fussball!
On a lighter note (and also relating to my newfound love for this place), Deutschland made it to the quarter-finals of the World Cup after a spectacular game against England! After the dirty playing by Brazil and Argentina, I guess the only favourite I have left is Deutschland since Uruguay took South Korea out. I've always enjoyed a good football game, but there's nothing like watching it with a group of Germans who not only really appreciate the game and have their own "fight songs" (and no vuvuzelas), but also have a good team to root for.
Something else that I had a conversation with someone in Berlin about (I think it might have been Aaron, but I don't remember)... The German flag is never flown around here unless it's World Cup season. And there is a sense of the German pride returning after cowering in shame for the last sixty years trying to make amends for the Second World War.
They say football brings the world together. Even in the trash-talking on Facebook with people I haven't talked to in a long time, there's still that sense of we're doing something together regardless of what time-zone you live in. And especially because at least amongst my friends who are football fans, trash-talking on Facebook becomes the love-language around World Cup season.
Alright, I hope your Tuesday is terrific, my friends. And since I can't pick between the teams playing today, I'm just going to root for fair referees and good sportsmanship.
Love you all.
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