"Rhythmus" Part 2 - Your Kingdom Come, Your Will Be Done

"Rhythmus," he said, with that familiar whimsical look--the one he got whenever a cheeky or brilliant idea was starting to take shape in his head.

I stared at him blankly.

"Rhythmus," he said again. "It's the spiritual rhythm that binds our community here. We don't do the traditional church model, but we still have this rhythm that keeps our group together. It's a rhythm that keeps us eating together, praying together and studying the Word together."

His words were starting to make a bit of sense, but I wondered if the mix of English and German I've had to function with had affected my ability to understand simple English as Kelley, Aaron and I sat at the dining table trying to piece together the website for the XZBerlin community.

Never mind that I had seen it lived out amongst the team members. That kind of taking care of one another, that intentional fellowship and study... I didn't fully understand the rhythm.

Then one day a few weeks back, I got an e-mail from Joe. Joe and I are better friends on Twitter than e-mail, so I was slightly surprised to get an e-mail from him. He mentioned something about Lent, the journey in the wilderness, the desert experiences, and finding sabbath and a spiritual rhythm.

It was an invitation to a group of friends--a community scattered across the US and here in Auckland--to join in a spiritual rhythm where we, and anyone else whom we knew were keen to join, prayed together, morning and evening, for Kingdom come, for ourselves and for each other. These weren't meant to be intense spiritual times as much as rhythm markers for the day. So we all, scattered across three time zones around the globe, prayed together at 7:30am and 6pm each day wherever we were.

The first day, as I started saying the words, "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name..." I was swept back to that Blue Church in Berlin, where together we chorused the words in German.

Suddenly I became aware that "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done," meant something far bigger than the simple words I was whispering in my bedroom in Auckland. Because friends in Indiana, Michigan, Ohio and Oklahoma were whispering these same words. The same words people in Germany and all around the world had been whispering throughout ages past. The same words that were whispered at the Pasifika festival only a few weeks later.

Suddenly Rhythmus became much bigger than that website discussion around the Philips' dining table in Berlin.
Suddenly Rhythmus included the friends that sent me the delightful care package only a few months ago when I was in desperate need for a sabbath, without realising I had a sabbath trip planned.
Suddenly Rhythmus included a global family whispering the words together, "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done."

This past week has been one of the more emotionally exhausting ones. There were a couple of very victorious moments, peppered with a couple of very heartbreaking ones, with a side of an answered prayer and one of the most unexpectedly difficult and painful conversations I've had to have in a while.

When it started, I found myself leaning into the prayers of this scattered community, holding on to "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done" like never before.
And then in the middle of it all, I was reminded of promises I made when I first started this chapter in Auckland, and the peace that carried me through because I kept my promises.
And then in the middle of what was about to turn out to be another very difficult day, I heard the words again, "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done"--and from a voice I least expected.

Most who read this blog know that I prefer to let my thoughts simmer for a while before I paint them on the screen so they don't come out ill-intentioned, hurtful or in manners I regret later. Part 2 of this Rhythmus series had been simmering for a while, and I had hoped for a beautiful, happy-ever-after type of ra-ra, celebrate the Rhythm hype.

But tonight, it's 11:44pm as I write this--later than my usual bedtime since I started the 7:30ams. And there's no beautiful, happy-ever-after type of ra-ra hype. Instead, there are tears of release, a very raw sense of pain, and a deep peace and hope in holding on to "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done."

This Lent, I've journeyed the wilderness through some oasis and some very dusty, thorny roads. I've endured the 6:30am alarms, snoozing a bagillion times so I can finally be awake to pray at 7:30am. I've wondered if I was the right person to have gotten thrown into some of the sandstorms because I never felt strong enough. I've learnt to lean into a community that is scattered like the Israelites in exile, and feeling the whispered prayers as we walked our own wilderness in this bigger rhythmus of "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done."

The dust of the wilderness will settle, and we will usher in the coming King with our Hosannas--the King whose Kingdom will reign forever and these seasons of wilderness and exile will be no more. But until then, I will lean into "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done," and the hopeful glimpses of Easter and the empty tomb.


In case you're interested in joining in the spiritual rhythm, here's what it looks like:
At 2 times each day (7:30 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.), everyone involved would commit to the following:
1. Praying the Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13)
2. Praying the Jesus Creed (Mark 12:29–31)
3. Praying briefly for the people who they know who are involved
4a. In the morning, praying that God would keep them from evil and temptation and thanking God for his provision.
4b. In the evening, confessing any areas where they recall that they sinned and thanking God for his forgiveness.
We are encouraging people to invite others along and don't expect that everyone will even know of all the people who are involved. But the idea is to stay connected to something bigger, so please let me know (by simply leaving your name in the comments below--and location, if you've stumbled upon this space by accident) if you'd like to be a part so I can include you as I pray.

A Lenten Prayer

I’ve always been taught that to be sanctified was to be set apart
“Let a holy life tell the Gospel story”
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

We talk so much about being set apart FOR something
But what are we to be set apart FROM?
How do we know to get there If we don’t know where we’re coming from?

My favourite dead white theologians don’t command my respect because of great deeds.
Sure, they were great thinkers and writers—and you know I love great thought and writing.
But these deep thoughts and writings happened
Because of those encounters where you dealt with their Selves

In a time where “Grace” is cheapened and fear hinders action against injustice…

Most loving and gracious God,
Creator of all things
Your mercy is new every morning
Have mercy on us
Sanctify us by your truth. Your word is truth

Set us apart from our selves
The self that sees the world not as you see it, but as fragmented pieces of our ideals
Set us apart from our egos
The ego that desires edification from producing results and a job well-done
Have mercy on us
Sanctify us by your truth. Your word is truth

Help us to live into the fullness of our humanity
That we may feel the pain of our own wounds
That we may have compassion for the suffering
That we may not wield these as weapons of self-righteousness
But as instruments of your grace and mercy
Have mercy on us
Sanctify us by your truth. Your word is truth

To a world that feels pain just as we feel pain
That is sinful just as we are sinful
That is as righteous as we can possibly be righteous
Have mercy on us
Sanctify us by your truth. Your word is truth

Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer of all Life,
Have mercy on us
Keep us from building walls that divide
Sanctify us by your truth. Your word is truth

Holy God, protect us by the power of your name so that we may be one
As we walk in these days of wilderness
As we experience these ashes--the mark of your suffering
Have mercy on us
Grant that we may have the full measure of your joy
Sanctify us by your truth. Your word is truth

Deal with us as you dealt with the saints of old
And have mercy on us

For yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever.
Amen.

Requiem for Joy

Children are children all over the world
They share the same big sky of blue

RT @ChannelNewsAsia *JUST IN* Shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut, USA: police

The earth is like God's egg. He sits on it and protects it.

Francisco and Martita
El Salvador/Romania
Keren
Gerson
We sat across each other at IHOP years after you were gone.
Holding hands.
Crying.
Praying.
Too soon.


They share the same sun and the wind and the rain
The moon, and the same stars as you

RT @ChannelNewsAsia Children among dead in #newtown shooting in Connecticut, US

And then there are earthquakes and volcanoes.

Sieg and Sanna
Hannover, Germany
Amy
I don't remember your name.
But I slept in your room on your bed after you were gone.
And watched your parents and sister quietly grieve.
Too soon.


They find games to play, just like you, everyday
They have birthdays and holidays, too

RT @ChannelNewsAsia Up to 27 killed in #SandyHookElementary school shooting in #Newtown #Connecticut, 18 dead are children. Gunman in 20s

There was the one in Japan two years ago.
I was 7, and I cried and cried hoping it wouldn't get to New Zealand.
I wasn't ready to die yet.
- Stella Maaka-McCrea, 9

Todd and Steph
Auckland, New Zealand
I don't know half the story.
Only that it happened
Too soon.


Did you ever think children all over the world
Are just little children like you?

RT ‏@nzherald "Our hearts are broken today ... for the families of those who are lost." @BarackObama

Today we're lighting a candle for faith. Does anyone know what faith means?

"Faith is like believing in something that we cannot see." - Esther McNickle, 7

How are we supposed to light tomorrow's candle for joy?

I think of sweet Essendon at school.
She's not bossy, just a little angry sometimes.
Always ready to protect.

I think of kind Jesse at church.
I told you last week I would help you put up the decorations.
Always ready to  help.

I shudder at what it would be like to lose them.
Or to walk with them through an episode of innocence lost.

And then Jen reminds me...

this is my father's world.
oh, let me never forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
god is the ruler yet.

So we light a candle anyway.

Hope, Faith and one for the
children in Connecticut and around the world

We sit in darkness and grapple with what it means to make room for joy even when we're not ready for it to come.

"For darkness will not overcome the light."

"There is no way to God except through human frailty ... Only when we encounter God in our deepest, darkest places do we have something to offer the world" - Jim McInnes, Te Atatu Bible Chapel

Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison
O Come Emmanuel

Thomas Merton Prayer

All day today I've been asking God, I didn't come here to fall in love with these people, so what makes you think it's ok to let that happen? And then I realised, that IS really why I came here. But still it didn't make me feel any better.

I'm still looking for answers, trying to find direction. Over coffee with Natascha on Monday, I found what I had to say to her to probably be more true for myself than for her. But ich weiss nicht. It's ok to not know.

So I leave you with this prayer that an older, wiser friend of mine shared.

And on an unrelated note, I hope the recent change in background didn't throw anyone off. Also, someone just pointed out to me that they can't comment here. I just fixed that tonight, so have at it if you would like.

On that note, here's Thomas Merton...
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

Life Since Urban Ministry Class...

So it's been almost a week since the group left after our Urban Ministry class ended. I guess it's time for me to start writing a little more frequently, huh? Most of this past week has just been living here and having more conversations about the team's strategic involvement in the life of the community of Kreuzberg where we live. Alright, I'm running ahead of myself.

Teenfreizeit Mitarbeiters Treffen (Teen Camp Staff Meeting)
There's a lot that we talk about in our ministry classes that we never fully understand until we've had the hands-on experience. Flexibility is one of those things.

Friday night, we were expecting a group of nine to come in for dinner. Everything had been set up for Abendbrot (Evening bread - that's cold-cut sandwiches. This is the German evening meal.) and at least Aaron and I were starving. But we had been waiting for the group to get here before we started eating. So when we found out that two of the nine weren't coming because they weren't feeling too good and the rest had been held up by transportation issues, we went ahead and started eating. Which might have been a good thing because the group of seven didn't get in till around 10 p.m. I felt bad for them because they were probably starving by then. And I'll have to admit that I was really relieved to not have to deal with an overdose of German that night. I really wanted to hang out with the group for a bit when they finally got in, but my head was throbbing, so it was Ibuprofen and bedtime.

Saturday was the killer. I was up early to help Rhonda get things set up for breakfast, so by the time the official day was over, I was completely wiped out. After breakfast, we cleaned up a little and got started with our meeting. If having to pay full attention and not doodle at all is difficult, trying to pay attention to someone whom you can probably only understand half of the words they're saying at most is a real pain. From time to time, as Kelley or Rhonda remembered, they would translate what was being said. My limited German vocab helped some, but that just took too much brain power. By the time the morning session was over, I was ready for a nap.

But the fact that it was sunny that day and we got to take a nice walk out to the park and had a grill party helped some. On the walk to the park, Cymin and I accidentally got split up from the rest of the group. Her pushing Zamira along slowed us down a little so we ended up behind the rest of the group (which was kinda funny because we ended up getting there before everyone else did anyway). Aaron speaks often of the importance of finding that commonality in our stories because these are the things that bring people together. Well Cymin's "salvation story" is very similar to my mum's, so we got to chatting about that. And I think the fact that we're both the artsy, musicion type also created a strange bond. In the language of the Na'vi (yes, Kelley, you're allowed to be proud that I'm speaking Avatar language), we "saw" each other.

There was something really unique that I noticed at the grill party. When we got there, Kelley and Adrian had already kind of set up the grill. The other guys headed toward the open space and started throwing a frisbee around. My natural inclination was to join them, until about fifteen minutes in, I realised 1) I wasn't really included unless the frisbee accidentally landed close to where I was, and 2) the other girls were all sitting down at our picnic area, either playing with babies or just trying to stay cool. I'm not a strong advocate against gender stereotypes or anything like that, but it was just an interesting thing to observe. Someone had once mentioned that the whole woman in ministry thing is still slightly controversial in the Church of God in Germany, so I kind of wonder if that had anything to do with it.

After we were done eating, Tillmann, the equivalent of the director of youth ministries of the Church of God in Germany gathered us together for our next session. This time, I said something to Tekle and Raffi about needing a translator, so between Kelley, Rhonda and the two of them, the translating was covered. It was just really frustrating to be that dependent on someone else even for something as simple as conversation. And it made me feel really powerless and discouraged. The question that kept going over and over in my head was, "What kind of a missionary are you going to be if you even need for the people you're living amongst to speak the language that you speak, rather than you actually learning their language and learning it well?" I think that discouragement, more than anything else, was what really wore me out that weekend.

After Abendbrot that evening, the group went out to one of the local hangouts to chill for a bit. I really wanted to go with them because I'd been feeling like I was really anti-social for not trying hard enough to talk to them and for constantly being so tired that weekend. I knew it wasn't completely my fault that I was that tired since my entire time in Berlin prior to their arrival had just been exhausting. But in some ways, I felt like I was being a terrible host even though it wasn't really my party either. So instead of going out with them, Christian and I stayed home with Kelley, Rhonda and the babies. And Christian and I watched Germany whoop Hungary in their friendly match that night. I'm really not a fan of German soccer, but there's something about cheering on the national team of the place you're living in because the people you're living with do actually care about their team. It's kind of like the same reason why I'm a Colts fan. Of course, the fact that they're a really good team helps - true also of the German national team. Hey, when in Rome... Right?

Sunday morning flew by fairly quickly. Ralf led Communion after breakfast and we went around the table, sharing about how we were doing and stuff like that - mostly just so we know where everyone is with life. We didn't really know each other very well then, but yet we were comfortable enough at that point to be honest about where we were in life. That was really refreshing for me.

Before long, the group was packing up and leaving. It was a little sad for me because I was just starting to connect with some of them. And the fact that I'm only going to be at Teenfreizeit for half the time because I'll be leaving to head back to the US right about the middle of it didn't really help. But... Well, such is my world now, I guess. Helps to be reminded from time to time it's not about what I miss out on when I leave, but what I get to be a part of where I'm going to. (Thank you to one of the wise voices in my life for that conversation last night).

After they left, Rhonda and I cleaned up some, started laundry then crashed for naps. We were all really exhausted from three long weeks and Kelley wasn't feeling too good the day before. But the way they both push through all their struggles to be hospitable to groups coming in is something I really admire.

Monday was kind of a lazy day. We talked about my budget and took care of some of the official business stuff in the morning. The rest of the day kind of just drifted by and in the evening, we headed over to Ralf and Cymin's for cheesecake and coffee. It was a nice day to just spend a bit of time with the same people, except there was no real business to take care of this time. It was just fun.

On the language issues...
So, backtrekking a bit. By the end of the weekend, I was exhausted and kind of frustrated and discouraged by the whole language barrier thing. Yes, most of the people at the Teenfreizeit meeting spoke enough English for me to communicate with them. But I was still really discouraged and almost felt like my being in Berlin was not going to bring much fruit in anyway. I guess God has this thing where he lets me sit in the box I put him and myself and for a while before poking me on the side and saying, "Hey lookie here - I was doing this while you were sitting in there trying to find me. Wanna join me over here where it's more fun?"

Kelley, Rhonda, Aaron and I went to look for the Asian store that Ralf told us about. We're doing a sushi party this Friday so we went to get some of the ingredients yesterday. Sure, the place is supposedly an Asian store, but I think we often forget that there are so many different definitions of Asian (like McDonald's version is sadly limited to sweet Thai chili sauce and mandarin oranges - which are not limited to Asia, it's just the mandarin makes people thing it's Asian. But that's just me talking - sorry, shutting up now). I didn't want to assume to guy running the place was Chinese even though everything about the store decor seemed to point toward that. So when I finally heard him speaking Mandarin to one of the other ladies in the store, I knew it was safe then.

As Kelley was checking out, I stood by the register, trying to think of something appropriate to say that wouldn't sound like I'm just blatantly saying, "Hey, I heard you talking - you speak Mandarin, we should talk." And mostly praying. Finally when he got done and we were heading out, I looked the guy in the eye and said, "Xie xie" (Thank you). Immediately you could see his whole face lighting up. "Ni shi Zhong Guo lai de ma?" (Are you from China?) So I explained I was from Singapore but my grandparents came from Guang Dong province. We made a bit more small talk, and finally as I was heading out, it was like there was this voice saying, "See now why you're here?"

The Turkish Market
This morning I took a little advenutre. Rhonda gave me directions to the Turkish market, so shortly after breakfast, I headed out to roam the streets of Berlin by myself.

How do I adequately describe the Turkish market? To the Singaporean audience reading this, think a cross between the wet market and a pasar malam. I got off the bus and headed in the general direction Rhonda told me to, and before long, the smells greeted me. As gross as the wet markets in Singapore smells, it is one of my favourite scents that I sometimes get homesick for. The smell of fish and other produce, vegetables and spices all mixed in together reminds me of the times when I would go marketing with Mum as a kid. Yes, I get melancholic about the strangest things, but we already covered that I'm weird, so you can throw that into the mix.

But other than the groceries, you also find the little knick-knacks, beads and sewing material, jewelry, scarves, clothes for people of all ages, shapes and sizes. It's just a fun place to walk up and down, and would be a great place to people-watch. And also, since my little moment of epiphany yesterday, I've also started paying more attention to the people around me. Not so much to single out the Mandarin-speakers so I can connect with them like that, but more to be curious about the stories of the people I meet in general. And not just mere curiosity, but actually striking up conversations with them.

Oh, just a few more on language...
So after the Turkish market, I stopped in at one of the little ecclectic stores on the street we live on. The lady running the shop said a few things to me in German, most of which I understood. Since I was in a shop, I had mentally pulled out the flashcards sorted under "vocab for shopping". So when she pulled a "Woher kommen Sie?" (Where are you from?) I did a double-take. I didn't pull the flashcards sorted under "vocab for introductions" quickly enough so that the blank look on my face would go away, so right away she switched to English. So we had a chat about how she could tell I understood what she was saying but I didn't know how to respond. And between my limited German and her limited English, I explained where I was from and I was studying in the US but I was in Berlin for my internship. Our conversation ended with her saying, "Have fun learning German!"

Just when I thought language was going to be a big barrier...

And because I can't communicate much, I'm also re-learning the power of prayer.

Looking Ahead...
And so here's kind of what the rest of my stay here will look like, at least as far as I know now.
Thursday, June 3: Errands with Philips + Aaron, Lunch at the Rathaus (cultural experience, according to Kelley and Aaron), back to the Asian store to get extra stuff for the sushi party and to hopefully have more conversation with the guy there.

Friday, June 4: Sushi party. Rhonda is inviting her Japanese friends, Aaron's going to try to invite some friends from language school, I think Mely is inviting her neighbour whose brother is working in China but is here to visit. And we're also going to try to invite the guy running the Asian store.

Saturday, June 5: S-Bahn excursion. Ralf has a book that tells where some of the more interesting S-Bahn (trains) stations are. We're going to check a few of those out, and they all have some friends they're hoping to invite.

Sunday, June 6: Grill party at the Havlicks. The Havlicks used to be neighbours with the Philips before they moved to Kreuzberg and the Havlicks to their new place. Even though they don't live in the same neighbourhood anymore, the relationship is still there, and Simone is one of the Mitarbeiters at Teenfreizeit. Their 12-year-old daughter, Renee is a sweetheart, and someone I'd really like to connect with.

Wednesday, June 9: Team meeting

Friday, June 11: World Cup kick off! Aaron and I, and probably Ralf and Adrian are going to watch the Mexico vs. S. Africa game somewhere.

Saturday, June 12: Quick visit to Hannover to hang out with Sieg and Amy.

Sunday, June 13: Church service at Sieg's church, Pre-game grill party, Germany plays at 20:30.

Sunday, June 20: Spanisch party with Mely's and Aaron's friends before Aaron leaves for the US

Tuesday, June 22: Aaron and Kelley leave for the US

Saturday, June 26: Rhonda and Christian leave for the US, possible visit to an old friend.

Friday, July 2: To Fritzlar

Wednesday, July 7: Return from Fritzlar

Friday, July 9: Nachtigalls arrive in Berlin

Sunday, July 11: Welcome dinner for the Nachtigalls

Wednesday, July 14: Philips' return from the US

Monday, July 19: Teenfreizeit prep days

Thursday, July 22: Teenfreizeit

Tuesday, July 27: Return to Berlin

Wednesday, July 28: Return to the US

Alright, I think that's all I have for tonight. I apologise that this is kind of a long one. I'll try to write more frequently so that they will be shorter blurbs rather than a long one like this.

Love you all, and thank you for your prayers, Facebook messages and e-mails. I'm trying to be better at writing back. Really, I am.