My Dead Friend Dietrich

Upon arrival in Anderson some three hours ago, I was greeted by a text message from my friend Emily that read:

"How was your dead friend Dietrich?"

I had to laugh.

It wasn't just that I was amused by Emily, but I was more amused by the fact that... I'm "friends" with a dead-white-male-theologian.

Yes, I'm giving you permission to judge me for my dead-man crush on Dietrich Bonhoeffer, German pastor and theologian (and son, brother, friend, martyr... the list goes on). After all, I was the one who, just before I started my SOT application, told the guy who eventually became my theology professor that I was no theologian, nor was I interested in ever becoming one. I will have to applaud Greg Robertson and Arthur Kelly for their graciousness in not calling me out on how little I knew about theology to even decide that I wasn't a theologian.

So yes, I just spent the last two days at a conference where the theology of Dietrich Bonhoeffer was discoursed. And yes, my brain is exhausted from trying so hard to tear apart words like pneumatology, christo-ecclesialogy, and entering into conversations with folks like Foucault, Lacoste and Heidegger. But it's also wide awake with all these new pieces of Bonhoefferian theology that I hadn't thought about before.

Now we all know that as much as possible, I avoid blogging academia because God only knows how little I know about academia and how hard I try not to bore people with it. So if this entry gets a little weird and boring, I apologise in advance.

See, here's the thing. Aside from Luther, the next closest theologian that I would "categorise" Bonhoeffer with is Henri Nouwen. Granted I haven't had much direct interaction with either of those, but the God-Self-Community interactions that Bonhoeffer and Nouwen bring to the theological table draw similar parallels to my own theology of the Trinity. This was something that I pieced together tentatively in a paper for Strege's Constructive Theology I, way back in the day, but something I still stand by. I'm excited enough about this whole thing to want to get into this now, but I also need to be at work in a few hours and sleep is kind of a necessary part of life, so ask me about this another time.

But the slight differential I see between Bonhoeffer and Nouwen is that Bonhoeffer's attempt to live out his theology of God-Self-Community (I'm choosing the word community here rather than the word "other" because community is more inclusive) is more blatant. Nouwen's theology seem more... "Cognitive" (A word I learnt from Jacob Coppess, a friend I'm coming to appreciate more and more, this weekend) whereas Bonhoeffer's writings seem to be more of an interaction between the struggles of his personal experience and the decisions he has to make.

There were moments at this conference where I found myself thinking, I wonder what Bonhoeffer would think if he were present. I'd like to think he wouldn't so much be offended by the possible misinterpretations of his writing, as much as I wonder what he would have thought about a group of academics sitting around discoursing his theology.

I also couldn't help wondering about the social lives of the theologians at the conference. What kind of person would it take to be friends with, or be married to intellectuals of this degree? Or did they have a social life outside of academic theology? I did notice that most of them had rings on their ring fingers, so that, to me, was a little bit of a reassurance that they weren't all head and no heart. But I wondered about social-hierarchy, and if their lives brought them to points of interaction with persons from a different social class.

Because as it comes down to it, I'd like to think that Bonhoeffer didn't spend all his time only interacting with his family or other theologians. Sure, Life Together seemed to indicate his commitment to the monastic lifestyle of not just physical living together in community, but the togetherness of practicing spiritual disciplines. But if Bonhoeffer's understanding of gemeinschaft only took him to the point of practising social justice and reconciliation in the conspiracy against Hitler and not beyond that, then perhaps his interaction with Lutheran theology has not done him much good.

Also, I've come to really appreciate the German differentiation between kirche and gemeinde. Given the way my dealings with kirche have been in the last few years, it's easy to get the two intertwined and lose faith completely. But in the discoursing between kirche (the church) and gemeinde (fellowship/community), I'm reminded again that even if the reality of the kirche doesn't quite match up to my idealism, it doesn't mean that I should compromise on my standing with the gemeinde.

Which strangely, leads me to a piece that I was working on on the three hour drive up to the University of Notre Dame for this conference...


Dear You,


You taught me we were family, and that you were the one that set the rules for the way we worked as a family. But four years ago, reality taught me that the rules you gave us only caused much hurt amongst my brothers and sisters because we all interpreted your rules differently. I found myself asking, what have you done to our fundamental value of love?


Four years later, we are back here again. In the last four years, I've tried to let go of my feelings of hurt and move toward forgiveness and reconciliation. But here we are again. All these rules, all over again, reminding me of wounds that have been tended to for a little while, then left aside so that healing can take place following the course of nature. But with this new lashing out, can you blame me for wanting to give up and walk away?


Grace. If the Greater Being in the form of the Word were to be the example for which I should live, then I confess I am inadequate for grace is something I am greatly lacking in. For the Word became Flesh, and grace upon grace for all my inadequacies. And if that Grace in its humanity can be grace and grace again for me, should it not be within me to extend this grace to another?


But the Word become Flesh is not simply Grace upon grace, but also Jehovah Rapha, the Healer that lavishes Grace upon grace to heal the broken me and the broken you.


And so, grace upon grace to you. I'd love to walk away, and if not because we were family, I would have done so a long, long time ago.



I have a feeling this might be the first of many Bonhoeffer blog posts to come. Quite honestly, I still dislike being associated with theology, but if that qualification allows me to sound like a nerd write passionately about things that I really care about from time to time on my blog, then I'm really not all that sorry. And while my sociological approach to theology may not take me to a place where I can discourse with you on the likes of Foucault, Lacoste and Heidegger, I'd rather be understood by the common people that I'm used to living life with than be dressed up to the nines to have a conversation with some big-wigs.

Life at the Moment...

As promised, an update on the New Zealand process.

Here's the gist of what it comes down to. After the interview process was over, it was time to get to work to actually make this thing happen. Sure, the church said yes. Sure, I said yes. But there are still tricky things involved; the two biggest of which were finances, and visa.

With regards to the visa situation, we had talked about me applying for what is known as the Holiday Work visa.  But what we didn't realise was that this visa was unique to the immigration systems of different countries, which means that what is known as the Holiday Work visa for holders of a US passport is known as a Work Exchange visa for holders of a Singaporean passport. And one of the requirements for a Work Exchange visa is that you have to either be a current student in a university or polytechnic, or you have to have graduated from a university in Singapore. At least, that's what I understood about it.

Which... I don't fit into either of those. Which... Is a problem.

So we're trying to figure out if there's a way to get around this visa or simply try to apply for a different one. The other tricky part about this is that before I can proceed with anything else, I need to get my passport renewed. Which... If I were in Singapore, this would take a maximum of two weeks. I don't mean to brag about Singapore, but that's just how efficient they are. BUT because I'm here in the US, I have to drive to Chicago, where the closest Singapore embassy is to pick it up. Not that it's incredibly difficult, but it just takes a lot more time.

The financial piece, on the other hand, gets slightly trickier. Without going into too much details, we've been running into dead ends with the fundraising piece. The church in Auckland is young and small, and my personal belief is that these resources should be channeled to ministry rather than to supporting me. If a day should come where there is enough for them to support extra staff, and I'm still serving with them, then fine and good.

So we're trying to come up with more creative ways to fundraise. It just gets a little more stressful simply because of the fact that even as we speak right now, financial stress of the current day-to-day life is a burden. There are still days when I think, "God, you do realise that if I hadn't quit my job and gone to Germany when I did, life would be a lot easier now, you know? And I know Canaan is far better than Egypt, but right now in the wilderness, Egypt looks so much better." Especially after a week like this one that just passed, when one thing after another just smacked me hard in the face. And for as "high" as I've been, the rate of how quickly I crashed after some discouraging news this week is alarming. Mostly because it reminded me again that this battle isn't mine. And in the spiritual realm of things, this isn't about me as much as it is about my willingness and ability to be used as a pawn in the battle that's going on up there. (And for the record, by "up," I don't mean a physical heavenly place above the sky, as much as an "up there" that is WAY beyond me.)

And then I remember the words, "Go a little deeper and cast your nets." The words from Luke 5, the very words that inspired the existence of this blog. The words that my pastor back in Singapore commissioned me with when I left for the very first time to come to college here. The same words that echoed in my ear as I boarded the plane for Berlin, having no clue at all what I was doing. The words that remind me, "Jael, this is your walk of faith. Keep walking, and keep trusting me. I will show up for you."

And if I had the opportunity at all to go back in time, would I change anything from the last seven years? I think not. As much spiritual, emotional and mental turmoil as I have been in in the last seven years, the peace that I have now having gone through all of those struggles is something that I would never trade for anything in the world.

And that... is my life at the moment. If you're the praying type, say a prayer, would you? Thank you.

Love you all.

The Human Mind and Other Musings...

The human mind is something that I've always been fascinated with. It's not so much the science of it as much as it is the amazement at its ability to be manifested in so many different ways. If we think of it is as an equipment for the processing of life, then whatever it might be that caused the existence of this equipment must have been ingeniously creative. (And probably one of the biggest reasons why I personally find it hard to not believe in a Creator God. But... that's just me.)

See, here's the thing. While it is true that life experiences are a great cause for the nurturing of certain personality traits, there's still this thing called the human mind through which these experiences are processed. So even two kids that share similar experiences growing up can turn out to be two very different people because their minds are wired to process life differently.

That. Blows my mind.

And maybe, just maybe, because my mind is wired to process life through the lenses of fascination with the human mind, this might just be why I can sit so comfortably with the idea of post-modernity.

On the other hand, I'm also blown away by the fact that it's nearly 2am and this mind of mine is keeping me up because of the way it is still actively searching for the right words to articulate all of this fascination. Hmm.


On a somewhat related note, this human mind of mine has also got me thinking about the cyclical nature of time. Now if you've been in MaryAnn Hawkins' Biblical Foundation of Missions class, I didn't exactly steal this idea from her. But I think I'm choosing to take comfort that I'm not completely insane for having stumbled upon this upon my own musings about life because there has been some scholarly work done on this prior to my own musings.

Here's the thing. In my last blog, I wrote about endings and beginnings and all of that stuff. I've been thinking back to all the endings and beginnings that I've had in the last few years, and it seems that each time something is ending, I can't really say that I see it as a "keep going, don't look back" thing. Yes, I do know what Paul said about "forgetting what lies behind and straining towards what is ahead" and all of that. And it has its validity, but that's not really what I'm talking about here.

More than anything else, these endings and beginnings feel more like, each time a chapter ends, I'm closing up a circle and drawing another one that starts from the same point where this first circle closes. Except, this new circle doesn't overlap much of the first circle, but takes its own direction. And all these endings and beginnings just create more and more circles around this same first point until this point becomes the center of all of these little chapters.

See where I'm going with this? (If it wasn't 2am, I'd actually produce a picture and post it here to help you visualize what I'm talking about. Maybe mañana...)

But I keep coming back to the same "starting point," and starting to slowly let these circles of each chapter shape the life story until I find that this "starting point" has become the center of the entire story. And I don't think I'll ever be able to put into words what this center is or will look like until the day my physical existence on this earth is no more.

And that... is ok.

Alright, it is officially past 2 am. Enough musings for now.  Update on the New Zealand process to come soon. Prayers appreciated.

The Thing About Endings...

The thing about endings is that it usually is also the beginning of two somethings, except we only get to be a part of one something and not the other.

That. Sucks.

This past week, I had the privilege of riding along with my friend Amanda as she moved out to Silverthorne, Colorado. I didn't really do anything to make the ride any easier, especially considering I took 5 naps along the 20 hour drive.

But for me, I felt privileged that I didn't just get to close her Anderson chapter with her. I got to watch her start her Silverthorne chapter.

That. Is a privilege.

A few years ago, God and I had a pretty nasty conversation about endings. It went something along the lines of, "God, you told me to feed your sheep. So why the hell does this have to end now when I don't even feel like I've done anything significant with the feeding?" And his only response was, "My dear child, I told you to feed my sheep. But they are MY sheep." Of course I was pissed.

It wasn't so much that I would miss those relationships. No, I had learnt by then that relationships don't just end because physical proximity changes. It was that I felt like I needed to be sure they were taken care of. Ha! The audacity to think that I was of that much significance in the perspective of Kingdom work that if I wasn't around, the work wouldn't get done.

But it wasn't just that. It was that with that ending meant that I can only be a part of one of the new somethings now. I can watch the other something from the sidelines, but that other something will not be as deeply woven into the tapestry of my own story.

And that, is what hurts the most.

Thinking back to this past week of slowly saying goodbye to Amanda, not knowing when or where we'll ever see each other again, I grief.
I grief not the ending of a friendship, but the ending of the physical proximity where I can throw a greasy Lemon Drop fry stained with ketchup, Frank's hot sauce and completely covered with black pepper at her.
I grief not the ending of the conversations that we started, but the ending of the ability to offer a physical place of refuge while the other storms of life are brewing.

But at the same time, I celebrate.
I celebrate that for a few days, I got to see the possibilities of the new something that I will not get to be a part of.
I celebrate life, hope and good endings.

And I can only hope that with all the endings that are about to happen within the next few short months as I prepare to head south (and WAY beyond the Mason-Dixon line) to the place called Auckland, New Zealand, I will learn to keep grieving but also keep celebrating all these endings and beginnings.

So you see, the thing about endings is that it usually is also the beginning of two somethings, except we only get to be a part of one something and not the other.

But maybe, it's not so bad after all...

One Of These Days...

One of these days I will learn my lesson that caffeine after 3pm is generally a bad idea. Unless, of course, there are other substances consumed to offset the caffeine effect.

One of these days I will do better with living the tension between finding healing from the hurts of the past and finding grace to let go.

One of these days I will have the courage to accept that good things do happen in life -- in my life, and I don't have to feel bad about that.

One of these days I will learn that transitions are a normal part of life

One of these days...

Sure, there are a lot more things I need to learn about how to simply live life. But given all the (mis)adventures I've had in my life, I think it's fair to say I'm doing well enough. And for only having lived a quarter of a century long, heck, I've accomplished a lot in my life. And by no means is this a, "hey look at all the things I've done!" but rather a, "holy crap, Someone must believe in me a heck lot more than I believe in myself to allow me to deal with life to this extent."

So yes, I have an exciting and adventure-filled life. But the journey hasn't been all glamorous. In fact, the dark seasons seem to have done a fair job of keeping up with the joyful ones. But I've come a long way too, to find joy -- and hope -- even in the dark seasons.

So one of these days, maybe I will learn that even with all the joys and the pains, Life is now. And it won't be "one of these days anymore."

One of these days.

Now if the caffeine-effect would just wear off...

Update

I just spent the last 30 minutes lying awake, my mind racing.

I've known for a while that whatever lies ahead will be even more exciting than anything I've experienced so far. So why has it taken me this long to realise that this entire process leading up to this moment of decision-making has been Spirit-breathed?

"Go a little further, Jael..."

I think I'm ready to make the decision. Watch this space...

The Dark Corner [Part 2]

She found herself back there again. The cold darkness reeked of a familiarity that made her sick to her gut.

It was barely over two years ago since the last episode in there and it almost felt like it was too soon to be back there again. But the chills, and the glimmer of the moonlight reflecting on the snow that had since covered the yard... Ah, yes of course. The Dark Corner.

"Hey kiddo..."

Him again. Except, this time the familiarity of that voice brought a sense of peace that almost surprised her.

"Hi Papa," she greeted him as he took the spot beside her and lightly ruffled her hair. He pulled his blanket over her shoulders and finally let the one hand rest on her back. She leaned in and rested her head on his chest, letting out a deep sigh.

"It's kinda dark in here, isn't it?" he asked quietly.

A few moments passed in silence as she inhaled deep breaths and felt the first tears start to form. She shut her eyes, willing the tears to go away just as the first one landed on her cheek.

"I'm not ready for light yet," she finally responded. "It's just... The light seems to bright right now, and my eyes need time to adjust to this brightness. And it just seems like the distance from my point of darkness to your point of light is too far of a journey to walk when I'm already exhausted from my wrestling in this darkness."

He said nothing; and as she continued to struggle to find the right words to describe her frustration, she was surprised to find that her eyes had adjusted so quickly to the darkness that as he entered the room, she could tell right away who he was.

And that was when it hit her. His light wasn't the distant far-away candle that she had spent all this time looking for. It was the gentle glowing of his presence right beside her in that darkness.

As if reading her mind, he started singing the words she was familiar with from a long time ago...

After the fire is over
After the ashes cool
After the smoke has blown away
I will be here for you


After the stillness finds you
After the winds of change
All that is good and true between us
This will remain the same


After your time of wand'ring
Along this lonely road
There will be many voices calling
Mine will say, "Welcome home"

Slowly...slowly

We turn the page of life

Growing...knowing

It comes at quite a price

"Child, just let me love you."

Seasons of Grief; Seasons of Love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?


In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.


In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?


How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love

I'm becoming increasingly convinced that it isn't until you have cried with someone that you can truly say you know them. And it isn't until you've cried because of them, whether it's because you're hurting so much with them or because of them, that you can truly say you love them.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to convince you that you need to be crying because of someone everyday, or that Days of Our Lives is an accurate depiction of love. I'm just saying that until we've really learnt what it means to hurt rationally with or for someone, we don't actually know them or love them.

Which, on hindsight, is probably what made 2010 such a difficult year. It wasn't simply a matter of how many times I moved or how many places I did life in in that year. It wasn't simply the transitioning in and out of cultures. It wasn't simply having to say goodbye.

Sure, the Anderson-Berlin-Anderson-Singapore-Anderson transitions were a bit crazy. Sure, there was some amount of stability in that Anderson was still the place to "land" in between all the moving. But no, in 2010 I finally learnt what it means to really love and do life with people. And each time I was starting to be able to hurt with the people I was living amongst, it was time to move on.

Friends who graduated in May, I never really had time to celebrate and grieve them moving on from Anderson and it was time to go to Berlin.
I was just starting to get to know some of the stories of the friends in Berlin and it was time to do the traveling part of the internship.
I had just enough time to spend with friends in Pforzheim to know about the things that mattered to them and it was time to go. Same with the friends in Fritzlar.
I barely had enough time to hear the hearts of some of the friends and hurt with the kids at Teenfreizeit and it was time to go back to Anderson.
My understanding of the theories of doing life together were just getting put to test by difficult relationships and times spent in the hospital; and I barely even had time to hurt over these things and it was time to go back to Singapore.
Old friends in Singapore were just starting to open up with their stories all over again and it was time to head back to Anderson.

So much time to learn to love; so little time to actually love.
So much time to laugh together about the shallow things; so little time to cry together.


But yet...

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--

A time to give birth and a time to die;

A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search and a time to give up as lost;

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;

A time to be silent and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time for war and a time for peace.

What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils?

I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves.

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-10

In the grander scheme of Life and Time according to the Creator, it all makes sense.

Sure, 2010 was brutal. But if I could go back and redo 2010, I wouldn't want to have done it any other way.

Because my God is a God of Love.
And all the Truth that I have in this Life is Love.
And Love is the only thing my God wants from me.
And Love is the only thing I have to give.
And for this Love, I will willingly take the grief, the heartaches and the pain that come with it.

Because my God is a God of Love.

And all the Truth that I have in this Life is Love.

50 States

Ok, so a few years back, I made it my goal to at least past through as many of the 50 states of the US before I leave. Well, I have about 7 months left. So now in planning my last 7 months, I've decided to see how I did and figure out how many more I can cover before the 7 months are up. Here goes...

Alabama - drove through on the way to Florida, spring break 2005
Alaska
Arizona - graduation trip, May 2007
Arkansas - drove through on the way to Mexico, summer 2006
California - flew in and out of LAX too many times to remember; graduation trip, May 2007
Colorado - spring break 2011
Connecticut - graduation trip, May 2011?
Delaware - graduation trip, May 2011?
District of Columbia - flew through airport, I think it was Christmas break 2006-2007?
Florida - spring break 2005
Georgia - spring break 2006
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois - first trip would be with either Women's Chorus or AUCME 2004
Indiana - August 2004
Iowa - drove through on the way to South Dakota, spring break 2007
Kansas - driving through on the way to Colorado, spring break 2011
Kentucky - first trip would probably on the way to Florida, spring break 2005
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland - graduation trip, May 2011
Massachusetts - graduation trip, May 2011
Michigan - first trip would be either AUCME or Thanksgiving 2004
Minnesota - flew through Minneapolis/St Paul, August 2004
Mississippi
Missouri - drove through on the way to Mexico, summer 2006
Montana
Nebraska - drove through on the way to South Dakota, spring break 2007
Nevada - first time would be flying through on the way back from Oregon, fall break 2006; graduation trip, May 2007
New Hampshire - graduation trip, May 2011?
New Jersey - drove through on the way to New York, spring break 2010
New Mexico
New York - spring break 2010
North Carolina - flew through on the way back, Christmas break 2010-2011
North Dakota
Ohio - first trip would be AUCME 2004
Oklahoma
Oregon - fall break 2006
Pennsylvania - drove through on the way to New York, spring break 2010
Rhode Island
South Carolina - graduation trip, May 2011?
South Dakota - spring break 2007
Tennessee - first trip would be driving through to Florida, spring break 2005
Texas - drove through on the way to Mexico, summer 2006; IYC, summer 2008
Utah
Vermont
Virginia - graduation trip, May 2011
Washington - Steph's wedding, "spring break" 2009
West Virginia - drove through on the way to New York, spring break 2010
Wisconsin - I think so, but I cannot remember when and why?
Wyoming

Not too bad. Excluding the "maybe"s, that would be 33 out of 50 states (and DC) in the span of 7 years. Hey if you'd like to be a sponsor to make the last 18 happen, I really wouldn't mind it :)

Guests in the Childhood Home

My mother has an impeccable gift of hospitality. Or as my BFF put it, "the gift of taking care of people." She's never been extravagant with anything, and it's the same with her hospitality. But her gift comes through being able to laugh at herself and make any person that walked through our front doors feel completely at home because she's "crazy". She engaged every person with a level of ridiculousness that you just had to laugh -- if not with her, then at her.

We always had strict rules in our household, and her home-cooked meals would be considered "too healthy" by most of our friends. But that never stopped our youth-group from making our home the most frequented hang-out after church because they didn't want to go home. And even though Auntie Florence would always make them eat a lot of veggies and Uncle Steven would make this horrible-tasting but very nutritious fruit juice, our friends, and eventually also the kids my mum tutored would still enjoy hanging out in our home.

Six-and-a-half years ago, my brother and I moved out of this home. But the guests still kept coming through those doors. Recently, when it became clear that we were moving out for good, our bedrooms became the living space for two Malaysian kids who were in Singapore for education. They were kids that my mum had been tutoring before they moved in. It was good for my parents because not only did it bring a slight addition to the household income, it also gave my mum more "kids" to "take care of".

And so now, we have become the guests in the childhood home. Except each year when we return, we get our own sets of keys, an EZ-link card (transport pass in Singapore), a cell-phone and spending money. We're still family, so we still get special treatment :) And each year when we leave, we return the keys, the EZ-link card, the cell-phone and whatever's left of the spending money. The doors are still open, as they've always been, even after we've developed "strange Western styles of living."

Home will always be home where the parentals are
Where the once-upon-a-time baby sister is
Where Grandma calls everyday to ask if we're hungry and if we want her to bring food over
Where the cousins gather for our Christmas party
Where the girl-friends from high school get together for our reunions

Even when we're only guests there once a year
Even if we find more distant lands to call home the rest of our lifetime

Because this is the home that gave me a legacy to live
This is the home that taught me about the craziness of hospitality
This is the home that taught me to always make sure no one is hungry
This is the home that taught me the importance of gathering together every once in a while

In a recent conversation with the BFF, she made me dream about where we might find ourselves in ten months time--the next time I'll be back in the country that owns my passport. And then she said this: "No matter where you go, no matter what you find yourself doing, whether it's in church or outside of the church, you will always be taking care of people. Because that's just what you do."

And it's only because of the legacy that this home taught me to live.

Because this is home.
Even if it's one of many homes.